Lehe: Hey wait! Michael Jackson died!?

Far be it from me to critique the media. After all, I’m part of the media. If someone in the media critiqued the media, that would be hypocrisy. But there’s a bee in my bonnet I can’t seem to shake out. Call me crazy, but somebody ought to write an article or something about that guy Michael Jackson dying.

I know, I know. I’m showing my age here. Some of you freshmen probably weren’t even out of diapers when the “Free Willy” soundtrack came out. But old Lewis “King McGeezer” Lehe here really dug those jams when they were fresh. Even to this day, Jackson is always right there at the top of my “whale escape” mixtapes, Volumes 1-6.

I was perusing the Wikipedia article about Free Willy this weekend, and, lo and behold, what did I discover but that Mr. Jackson died not two or three weeks ago. He passed away quietly in his sleep. Kind of ironic, when you think about it. The guy who we all made such a big fuss about way back when he was all alone in his little cottage, with nary a peep in the mass media. Just goes to show what fair-weather fans we all turned out to be.

Nevertheless, I am a little disappointed that the media didn’t cover Jackson’s passing a bit more. I hate to sound callous, but as a newspaper man myself, I’ve gotta admit there’s more than a couple of ways you can run with this thing.

Here’s an idea: Someone you really wouldn’t think was some kind of Jackson fanatic confessing that, actually, all along he’s been the top Jackson fanatic of them all! The author should even start the article by telling the audience that they really wouldn’t think that the author is some kind of Jackson fanatic. Now that would raise an eyebrow or two — probably two, cause who can raise just one eyebrow?

Or how about this: Someone who wasn’t even really that into Jackson talking at length about how, whether we listened to his music or not, Jackson had a big impact on all of us. Then no one would have to miss out on feeling bereaved, which builds a certain camaraderie. Plus, you wouldn’t assume a regular, old pop-culture icon could have an impact on so many people — since they usually say it’s only guys like Mozart who matter to the masses.

I’ve left my show-stopping, jaw-dropping idea for last, though.

What if the Jackson, who died a few weeks ago — the one on the “Free Willy” soundtrack — was actually related to the kids in the Jackson 5? There was even a kid in the Jackson 5 named Michael Jackson. Kind of sends a spooky chill right down your spine. Could there be a connection? What if the little Michael Jackson grew up and changed his identity with surgery … but kept the same name? Now that would be the ultimate caper, right under our noses! Sure, it’s incredibly unlikely, but everyone loves a real-life mystery that only affects someone else’s life.

You know, they say the newspapers are all bleeding money, and the top brainiacs in the Big Apple can’t clot the hemorrhage. Well, how about putting Jackson’s face on the front of your newspaper? I know at least three guys who’d buy that paper … me, myself and I!

If that didn’t work, you could even go out on a limb and have a picture of the Michael Jackson from the Jackson 5 and then a picture of the Michael Jackson from the “Free Willy” soundtrack next to each other … maybe even put the dates that Michael Jackson lived on there, too, so that the public could form their own suspicions, thinking, “Those two must’ve been kids at about the same time!” I hear that reckless speculation can sell a lot of papers. And — as long as you are mainly just hinting at things that are interesting-but-unfounded — it’s all right if the wild conclusions readers reach are inaccurate inductions from specious hearsay.

At any rate, I’m just a lowly columnist. I’m not raking in the big bucks when the newspaper stand runs empty in 20 minutes. So, all I have to say on the matter is: Rest in peace, Mr. Michael Jackson.

E-mail Lewis at lewis500@gmail.com