Korman: Bad Dreams? There’s an app for that

The other night, I had a dream that started off deliciously. I was in a bakery, surveying the… The other night, I had a dream that started off deliciously. I was in a bakery, surveying the options that lay before me. There were many Danishes and crullers in the mix, but I ended up choosing a vanilla-on-vanilla cupcake.

Biting into the pillow of deliciousness, I felt something hard. It was a tiny plastic key, perhaps detached from an equally tiny keyboard. It was a “B.”

“B … B … for BlackBerry,” I gasped.

And lo — there, baked right into the middle of the cupcake was a brand new BlackBerry Bold 9000 wireless handheld device. It was a really big cupcake.

Then, I looked back behind the counter. The bakers were BlackBerrys, too. I turned to ask my friend if she was also seeing what I was seeing. Yep, BlackBerrys everywhere.

Upon waking up, I realized I should probably invest in a smartphone. As is the case for many college students, my summer vacation means working more hours than during the school year. Because I’m not paying for rent and groceries, I end up benefitting from more discretionary income with which to theoretically purchase said device.

A smartphone could help me keep in touch with my favorite Pittsburghers during the break. It could also solve the overwhelming boredom during my morning and evening commutes. This is a path that has chosen me, it seems.

Plus, everyone else is doing it. A study published by technology research firm In-Stat this past March predicts that smartphones will double their share of the mobile market by 2013. The president gets one. Even my mom has one. A smartphone-dominated society certainly seems to be the way things are going.

And it might even go further. MIT has developed a prototype of a “wearable computer” that dangles around your neck. Once fully developed, you could potentially frame a coffee shop with your fingers and instantly be linked to reviews — which would be projected into your glasses’ lenses.

Portable devices that connect to the Web are poised to change how humans behave on an anthropological level. The geographic distances between people, information and other people could become effectively negligible. It’s big stuff.

And I suspect this is why I’ve been having disturbing nightmares of evil gadgets cunningly disguised as delicious treats — I’ve found myself in an unfortunate dilemma.

On one hand, I can’t wait to be able to Facebook-friend someone while on the toilet and Google Map my way around unfamiliar neighborhoods.

But I also like having no choice but to look out a train window and hold civilized arguments with people without them directing their iPhone browsers to Google, proceeding to prove me wrong and basically make an ass out of me. Hypothetically.

Counterpoint: The Internet is pretty much the coolest thing ever.

The rise of smartphones has forced me to choose between two things I love dearly: life’s simplest pleasures and having The Pitt News at my fingertips wherever and whenever I want it. (You can access The Pitt News on your mobile device at tpnevolve.com).

Alas, the quandaries are overwhelming: A cool breeze through one’s hair vs. playing Snood on the way to work. A leisurely meal on a park bench vs. ordering Campusfood from your BlackBerry for a perfectly timed delivery. These are things between which no decent human being should ever be forced to choose.

But why can’t we have both?

Well for one, our attention spans apparently can’t handle it. Earlier this month, a British man fractured his skull by running into a tree because he was trying to Tweet while jogging. This provides a valuable lesson — as boring as idleness can be, at least we can get some cardio without cracking our heads open.

How should I approach my inevitable technological bondage? Should I accept it today or maintain my innocence until I have no choice but to give in?

Will it be real life or the Internet — everywhere?

I don’t like having to make hard decisions. When it comes to situations like these, I prefer choosing between one thing that I absolutely hate and one thing that I really like. I don’t like having to choose between two things that I like. One can only hope such decisions are, at worst, pastry-related.

Ben’s service provider is T-Mobile, and he is not averse to refurbished electronics. You can e-mail him at bek25@pitt.edu, but he might not get back to you promptly because he works at such a great distance from his computer. He blesses your heart.