Green: For first dog, vetting is crucial

For those of you who don’t keep up with important political news, President Obama finally… For those of you who don’t keep up with important political news, President Obama finally picked the ‘first puppy’ — a Portuguese water dog named Bo.

Needless to say, I’m a little alarmed at the speed of this ‘appointment.’ One minute Obama is browsing local shelters for labradoodles — a crossbreed of the Labrador retriever and the miniature poodle, clearly it does not get more American than that — and the next he’s invited some foreigner, some Portuguese duck dog, into the White House.

Where is the oversight? The checks and balances? The Senate committee meeting?

For those who think this an overreaction, it’s time I let you in on a little secret: All people, but especially those in power, are judged based on their pets. That dog represents Obama. Obama represents the United States. We live in the United States, and therefore that dog’s image is reflective of us.

Have any of you forgotten former French president Jacques Chirac and his clinically depressed Maltese? Back in January, Chirac was mauled by the dog, which is prone to making ‘vicious, unprovoked attacks,’ according to Chirac’s wife, Bernadette.’

Clearly this has negatively affected the world’s opinion of France. For example, the majority of Americans currently have a negative opinion of the French government, according to the Pew Global Attitudes project.

Or take former President George W. Bush’s terrier, Barney.’ Back in November, the little monster bit a reporter right on the White House lawn! Bush ended his term with only a 22 percent approval rating, according to CBS News. No doubt, this was largely because of Barney’s unforgivable antics. Statistics don’t lie.

So you see, it’s just as important to vet the Obama’s supposed first dog as it is to vet a potential treasury secretary. And because the Senate wouldn’t man up, I decided to do it myself.

Rumors of a first dog began circulating last November when Obama promised Sasha and Malia a puppy as a reward for dealing with the campaign craziness — but for a while, some of us worried that this might have just been more political rhetoric, as we all know Obama hands out campaign promises like Happy Meals.

Back in January, Obama had still made no progress. Luckily, ABC News Chief Washington correspondent George Stephanopoulos called Obama out, to which Obama gave this measly response: The process of finding a first dog ‘has been tougher than finding a commerce secretary.’

Whatever.

As with all of his government appointees, Obama was very specific with what he wanted from the first dog: first, that the dog be a hypoallergenic breed — Obama did not receive any campaign contributions from the fine people at Claritin, and he’ll be damned if he supports the bastards now — and second, ever wary of his elitist image, that they get the dog from a shelter.

Well, Obama made good on one of his promises, at least. The dog is indeed hypoallergenic — Claritin won’t see a penny from the Obamas! — but Bo is not a shelter dog. Oh no. Bo, my friends, is a Kennedy — specifically a gift from Sen. Ted Kennedy, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.’

This brings me to my second worry. Clearly what we have here is an example of a Washington insider getting an important government position. And here I thought I voted for change.

Obama promised us that we’d be getting a new regime. I want something new and fresh. Something from Alaska maybe, like a Siberian husky. Instead, I get the dog of a Kennedy. No doubt Bo is a socialist.

If only Obama had the morality of New York Gov. David Paterson, who would not be bullied by those treacherous Kennedys and the their kung fu grip on the jugular of Washington. He scared off Caroline Kennedy real quick.

Finally, there is, as always, the issue of tax evasion. Apparently the dog did some guest-star work on ‘Wishbone’ and failed to report it to IRS, which is just disgusting.

I can only hope that somewhere, someone with reason — Glenn Beck maybe, when he’s not busy dressing people up like his ‘great-great-great-great-grandfather’ Thomas Paine — will find a way to get this furry fiend out of the White House.

Then we can run through the proper channels of finding a replacement. During this process that will likely take several years — the average time it takes presidents to appoint anyone these days — Sasha and Malia will be supplied with FurReal dog substitutes. Trust me, it will all be worth it when we have a canine truly worthy of the ‘first dog’ title.

E-mail Molly to sign a petition to boycott the ‘appointment’ of this White House imposter at mog4@pitt.edu.