Girl Talk to the hand, there

Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2009 April Fools’ edition. It is a… Editor’s note: This story appeared as part of The Pitt News 2009 April Fools’ edition. It is a work of fiction produced solely for entertainment value.

When it comes to laying the hottest beats, Girl Talk has owned the Steel City for years. Until now. There’s a new mash-up maestro in town, and his name is Nastee Noize.

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‘ Operating out of his dorm room in Pitt’s Tower B, 18-year-old Nastee Noize (real name: Leslie Horowitz) issued a statement earlier today on his blog Girl Talk to the Hand challenging the local hero to a mash-up-off.

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‘ The Pitt News caught up with Mr. Nastee leaving his Seminar in Composition class to clarify the young disc jockey’s challenge.

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‘ ‘Well, listen. Girl Talk thinks he’s got Pittsburgh locked down. I’m here to say to all the club kids and dancing hipsters out there that I, Nastee Noize, can mash up more songs into one minute than Girl Talk can on a whole album,’ he said rather triumphantly.

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‘ A rather bold claim, certainly, but it’s one that Mr. Nastee intends to uphold.

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‘ On Girl Talk’s most recent album, Feed the Animals, the mash-up master combined more than 300 different samples to create a continuous stream of pop choruses, rap beats and rock riffs. For Nastee Noize to stay true to his challenge, he would have to use several hundred songs in one minute.

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‘ Needless to say, many are skeptical.

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‘ Including, most notably, anyone who has regular hearing abilities.

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‘ Initial test listens to Nastee Noize’s one-minute, 308-sample mash-up left listeners reporting seizures, migraines and, in one unfortunate case, death.

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‘ Listener and Nastee classmate James Lemoron told The Pitt News, ‘I couldn’t really tell which songs he sampled. There were so many stacked on top of each other that it just sounded like really obnoxious static. Or like a cat being set on fire.’

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‘ Lemoron’s judgment isn’t that far off — a leaked copy of Nastee’s mash-up, titled The One-Minute Man, played at even a low volume, put one Pitt News staffer in a coma.

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‘ The minute-long mash-up, with an average of five samples per second, has a similar effect on a listener as shock therapy. The aural overload of sounds, said one UPMC representative, simply fries the brain.

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‘ But Nastee Noize isn’t fazed.

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‘ ‘Listen, I got 308 samples packed into one minute. I did it. I’m the mash-up king of Pittsburgh. Or at least Oakland. Or at least Tower B. Floor 14, represent!’ said Nastee. ‘Did they tell Jimi Hendrix that he played the guitar too fast? Did they tell Beethoven to turn down the violins? I’m just ahead of my time.’

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‘ Creating The One-Minute Man, Nastee said, was actually relatively simple. By switching his iTunes to its ‘random’ setting, he selected the first 308 songs that played and then layered them all on top of one another. 308 songs playing at the same time for one minute — it’s a mash-up even more dense then the Pitt football team. ‘

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‘ Girl Talk declined comment on the situation. ‘

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‘ As a general statement of safety, The Pitt News recommends that readers do not listen to The One-Minute Man for longer than 20 seconds or they will face serious health risks, including severe hearing loss, possible death and loss of any indie cred.