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The Pittsburgh Pirates’ season debuts today, and already it possesses plot lines similar to… The Pittsburgh Pirates’ season debuts today, and already it possesses plot lines similar to the big-budget disaster flick ‘Armageddon,’ except without the likely sappy and happy ending.

Let’s compare the striking similarities.

You’ve got an asteroid hurtling toward Earth, certain to destroy all of mankind (a 17th consecutive losing season, a record for any sport, awaits at the end of the year).’

NASA leaders, like Billy Bob Thornton’s character (Pirates general manager Neal Huntingdon), develop a master plan to prevent destruction (the embarrassing record). So the leader goes out and hires Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and a bunch of other guys to do the dirty work and save the world (Pittsburgh’s players).

There’s only one problem with this brilliant comparison. Willis’ crew of oil drillers was the best in the business. The Pirates? Many experts believe their Major League roster is the worst in baseball history.

That doesn’t bode well for the Pirates’ chances to avoid making the worst type of history in sports. But there are players with serious talent, like Nate McLouth and Paul Maholm, and others who show promise, like Andy LaRoche and Ross Ohlendorf.

If everything breaks right, the Pirates might luck into 81 wins. But, it’s more likely that the asteroid will hit PNC Park in 2009.

Here’s a positional breakdown of the team for this season.

Catcher: Ryan Doumit rewarded the franchise for finally choosing him over the lazy and underwhelming Ronny Paulino with a breakout season, including mashing 15 home runs and batting over .310. He’s quickly becoming a clubhouse leader, and he’s motivated to impress further after signing a long-term contract. Doumit is one of the best offensive catchers in all of baseball, and expect a slight drop in average but an increase in the power numbers.

First Baseman: Adam LaRoche is in a contract year, but for him to make any money as a free agent — regardless if it’s from Pittsburgh or elsewhere — he needs to stop hitting like your grandmother in April and May. Perhaps he’ll finally break his early-season struggles to build on his staggering post-June numbers, but don’t count on it until it actually happens. The Pirates need LaRoche to hit in the first two months if they want to avoid their typical horrid start.

Second Baseman: Two years after winning the National League batting crown, Freddy Sanchez looked more like a batting chump until the All-Star break. He rebounded nicely to increase those statistics, but the Pirates might be worrying that Sanchez’s best years are behind him. He needs to hit .300 to be productive.

Shortstop: To the surprise of many, longest-tenured Pirate Jack Wilson still wears the black and gold. After nearly being traded to both Detroit and the Dodgers, Wilson returns to man the shortstop spot he’s held since 2001. Now, if only the defensive extraordinaire could hit. He’s a free agent as well, so he needs a good year to get paid at all and if the Pirates want a chance at 81 wins.

Third Baseman: Maybe it runs in the family. After being acquired in the Jason Bay trade, Andy LaRoche hit like your other grandmother in his two months in Pittsburgh. He needs to show he’s worth the playing time, with prospects Neil Walker and Pedro Alvarez peering in the door.

Outfield: The second of three Pirates to sign a long-term deal, McLouth looks to build on his All-Star 2008. It might be unrealistic to expect McLouth to duplicate his 26-home run campaign from last year, but he should come close in every significant category. But after that, question marks abound. Brandon Moss comes off knee surgery and needs to fulfill the promise that made him a part of the Bay trade as well in right field. Nyjer Morgan’s grip on the left field job is as insecure as Chrysler’s CEO. Eric Hinske and Craig Monroe were brought in as backups, but top prospect Andrew McCutchen is ready to crash Pittsburgh’s outfield party. He should be starting in left field by June.

Starting Pitching: Think of the worst horror film you’ve watched in the last year, it couldn’t have been as scary as the Pirates’ starting staff entering 2009.’ It was at or near the bottom in nearly every statistical category from last year, and not much has changed. Maholm, however, is the saving grace. His breakout 2008 and dominating 2009 spring performances have national scouts buzzing for an even better season. Ian Snell and Tom Gorzelanny disappointed tremendously last year, and Gorzelanny was so bad that he’s starting in Triple-A this year. Snell, Zach Duke and former Yankees Ross Ohlendorf and Jeff Karstens round out the starting five. With no serious help in the minor leagues, if the pitching doesn’t improve, the Pirates might not steer clear of 100 losses.

Relief Pitching: Pittsburgh has one of the better back ends of a bullpen in the NL, but everyone else could have Aerosmith yelling ‘Walk This Way’ all year long. Matt Capps is an above-average closer, and lefty John Grabow is efficient against left and right-handed batters. Tyler Yates has some talent, but is inconsistent. With high minor or major-league walk rates, Sean Burnett, Craig Hansen, Jesse Chavez and Rule 5 pick Donnie Veal might strike everyone out, or not get anyone out. This could wind up as a disaster as well.

After the final analysis, the key to the Pirates’ 2009 season appears to be the pitching. If it improves, 75-80 wins could be in the forecast. If not, well, the Penguins’ playoff run and Steelers training camp give fans plenty of alternative options for summertime entertainment.