Beitzel: Slang to save GOP, ya dig?

‘ ‘ ‘ Conservatives named Michael Steele the new chairman of the Republican National Committee…. ‘ ‘ ‘ Conservatives named Michael Steele the new chairman of the Republican National Committee. At the Conservative Political Action Conference last week, Steele told the audience, ‘Tonight, we tell America, ‘We know we did wrong. My bad.” This is part of a masterstroke plan to combine GOP values with what Steele calls ‘urban-suburban hip-hop settings.’ Drop it like it’s hot, Li’l Steeley. ‘ ‘ ‘ Like rappers, Steele discovered that words matter more than behavior. Carefully chosen slang ‘mdash; especially once it becomes a cultural cliche ‘mdash; can mask any flaw, and quirky catchphrases can defang even the most heinous acts, or at least reduce complex debates into simple punch-lines. With this strategy, Steele has the opportunity to charm away all the Republican Party’s alleged mistakes. ‘ ‘ ‘ In hopes of restoring the Grand to the Old Party, here are some suggestions for what Republicans need to rehabilitate: ‘ ‘ ‘ Vindictively revealing the identity of an undercover CIA agent because her husband dared criticize the Republican president? ‘Busted.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Commuting the punishment of the felon involved in the exposure? ‘Oops.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Appointing a horse judge to run FEMA, resulting in hundreds of deaths and thousands of people surviving in squalor during Hurricane Katrina? ‘Do over.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Squandering record surpluses and creating record deficits to benefit the richest people on Earth? ‘Who’s the goose? This guy.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Fleecing the American public into a false war slaying more than 4,000 U.S. soldiers and 100,000 Iraqis? ‘Whoopsy daisy-cutter bomb.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Attempting to gamble, and wholly lose, Americans’ retirement money in a failing stock market? ‘Whatchu talkin ’bout, Willis?’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Furtively whittling constitutional liberties from citizens and openly torturing foreign suspects? ‘Mama mea culpa!’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Obviously, these responses don’t have that ‘urban’ flair Steele wants, but quit drinking that Haterade. Steele must give white people ‘mdash; i.e. every Republican leader aside from himself and Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal ‘mdash; time to catch up. ‘ ‘ ‘ Radio host Chris Sliwa interviewed Steele, asking him if he would give Jindal some ‘slum love’ after Sliwa claimed people look at Jindal and say, ‘Oh, that’s the ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ governor.” This might sound racist, but it’s not. Steele is black, and his response of laughter and, ‘I love it,’ validated Sliwa’s otherwise wanton stereotype. It ain’t trickin’ if ya got it. ‘ ‘ ‘ In the same program, Steele said, ‘Bobby Jindal is doing a friggin’ awesome job in his state.’ Steele’s slang could transform Republican rhetoric. ‘Heckuva job, Brownie,’ is the past. ‘Friggin’ awesome job, Bobby,’ is the future. ‘ ‘ ‘ That’s why, in the actual words of Rep. Michelle Bachmann, R-Minn., ‘Michael Steele, you be the man.’ Don’t confuse ‘the man’ with The Man, represented by big government Spendocrats. Their Establishment glosses over the cost of welfare programs and nanny policies. In other words, they ride clean, but their gas tank is on ‘E.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Steele’s introduction of slang, regardless of the culture from which it comes, represents the next evolution in politics. ‘My bad’ is a step above the previous conservative theme ‘mdash; Shaggy’s ‘It Wasn’t Me.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Picture this: Kids in public schools failing, all the children left behind. ‘It wasn’t me.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Alberto Gonzales says there’s no habeas corpus grant in the Constitution. ‘It’s wasn’t me.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Halliburton’s profiteering from war and the military-industrial complex. ‘It wasn’t me.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Gay people stripped of civil liberties, Santorum thinks bestiality’s next. ‘It wasn’t me.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Wait. Conservatives remain proud of that last one, but ‘street terminology,’ as Steele calls it, can dress it up. Make discrimination cool again. Hip-hop outpaces Steele in this regard, as a popular rap catchphrase, ‘No homo,’ already exploits lingering homophobia in the community. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘No homo’ is a marketing boon for Steele. Usually he’s more Kris Kross than Public Enemy, but whipping up fear of a gay planet could help conservatives amend the Constitution for strictly traditional marriage. ‘ ‘ ‘ Applying urban idioms to GOP values creates infinite opportunities to court the next generation of voters. A freestyle battle between Mitt Romney and Rush Limbaugh would make more money than a Tyson fight. Rush keeps his pimp hand stronger than Chris Brown. The battle to be King of Rep(ublicans), however, looked like it might take place between Rush and Steele. ‘ ‘ ‘ Last weekend, Steele admitted that Rush is just an ‘entertainer,’ and his comments can be ‘incendiary’ and ‘ugly.’ Stop snitchin’. Monday morning, Rush spoke to his 20-million-deep posse of listeners. Every day he’s hustlin’. He burned Steele, likening him to Nancy Pelosi, and said, ‘Michael Steele, you are head of the RNC. You are not head of the Republican Party … The next Republican president is going to be the head of the party. Last time I checked, Mr. Steele isn’t running.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Get at me, dog. Generations ago, nobody could have predicted Republicans would make such tremendous social progress that they could one day attack their first black figurehead. Steele had the opportunity to lead conservatives in a new direction, out from under Rush’s repressive, bovine shadow. Like Nas and Jay-Z, though, the two made amends. Steele apologized that night. My bad. If you’ve got ambitionz az a writah, e-mail Dave at drb34@pitt.edu.