Diabes: Political problems like putting salt on snowy sidewalk

‘ ‘ ‘ Politics has always had a knack for sparking debate, but recent history has spawned some… ‘ ‘ ‘ Politics has always had a knack for sparking debate, but recent history has spawned some of the toughest political deadlocks known to man. The issues at hand range from whether or not gay people should be permitted to tie the knot to whether the Patriot Act should be a law or a constitutional amendment. These concerns have been building in volume as they roll down a slippery slope. Each new argument solves nothing and only makes the proverbial snowball roll down even faster. Where is this snowball rolling? Why, to Pittsburgh, of course. ‘ ‘ ‘ Look outside your window. The first argument has surely hit us, basically debilitating the city. I can only imagine what kinds of snowballs have hit Washington. Surely its snowballs are worse than our own. Can you imagine what it must be like to get around? And what are people supposed to do when the second argument slides down the hill on a collision course? The snowballed arguments themselves will snowball together. ‘ ‘ ‘ What I mean to say is that we’re stuck square in a snowdrift of political slush. One political party proposes to put salt down and the other political party proposes to apply ice cubes. Everyone will hear of this latest argument bleating out of Washington, and surely enough people will examine their situations and respectively choose a side. ‘ ‘ ‘ Since the act of choosing is a physical action, the laws of physics must be engaged. ‘For each action there is an equal opposite reaction,’ states Newton’s third law of motion. Naturally, half the country will demand salt so they can walk about the streets again, and by default, the other half of the nation, enraged by such a progressive movement, will demand ice to bring us back to the days when winter really did stop all societal functioning. ‘ ‘ ‘ Now, I bring all this to mind so that I can, on a basis of facts, critique some of Obama’s rhetoric. According to an article from All Headline News, Obama said, ‘However we got here, the problems we face today are not Democratic problems or Republican problems … These are America’s problems, and we must come together as Americans to meet them with the urgency this moment demands.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Now, if we pick through his wording, I believe we will come to the same conclusion. Somewhere in there, I heard him say ‘work together.’ Debating whether this is impossible is useless since this debate would be better had with the deceased, and I stress deceased, Isaac Newton. Since a debate can’t be had with a dead man, his third law stands. ‘ ‘ ‘ Examined closely, this ‘working together’ directly refers to the opposition of two equal forces in Washington. Some will want to put salt down, others will want to add more snow. Both sides will weigh it down with earmarks, and thus nothing will get done. ‘ ‘ ‘ Suddenly, my mind begot a solution: What would happen if these two opposite forces, instead of pushing against each other directly, pushed only on different days of the week? ‘ ‘ ‘ I can see it now ‘mdash; a man is freed from death row because he was scheduled for Tuesday, and on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and every other Sunday execution is illegal. Democrats will cheer. Republicans will cheer. Of course, it’s tough luck for the Wednesday man. ‘ ‘ ‘ Then a whole world of problems started whizzing through my mind, each one with a brand new solution with this new light of compromise. ‘ ‘ ‘ Policies that are generally agreed upon ‘mdash; for example, that murder should be illegal ‘mdash; can stay intact, but issues that have deadlocked the parties will surely resolve with this new system. ‘ ‘ ‘ Just think of all the wonderful solutions. Gay marriage can be illegal for straight people and legal for gay people. Abortion can be legal for people who want one and illegal for those who do not want one. People who want free education from the government can get it, and those who don’t want it can pay for it. People who wish to continue the war in Iraq can stay, others who decline may come home. ‘ ‘ ‘ It would be a new wave of freedom sweeping our nation. All could decide which side of these issues they want to spend their lives pushing. ‘ ‘ ‘ Let’s start right away with the snow outside. Let’s dump snow right on the sidewalk and then salt it. E-mail Matt at mad150@pitt.edu.