Beitzel: TV not the same without Colmes

Last month, the nation underwent a traumatic loss. January marked the final broadcast of… Last month, the nation underwent a traumatic loss. January marked the final broadcast of ‘Hannity ‘amp; Colmes,’ a doubleplusgood Fox News program. After serving 13 years as Sean Hannity’s vampiric liberal sidekick, Alan Colmes resigned from the show. Like John Lennon before him, Colmes decided his group project was holding him back from self-actualization. Colmes is an artist. If you give him a tuba, he’ll get something out of it, though probably not before the camera cuts to Hannity. Yet another commonality with his deceased soul-mate Lennon, Colmes was a Beatle. Well, more like a beetle. Every weeknight, he toiled together balls of dung in the form of regurgitated talking points. On thaibugs.com it states, ‘Without dung beetles, the earth would be piled high with manure.’ Without Colmes to collect the feces, Fox News is left to drown in its own shit. Sean Hannity is the Paul McCartney in this narrative. He heroically trudges forward in solo ventures, pushing the boundaries of what is considered journalism. Described on the Fox News Web site as ‘provocative’ and ‘passionate,’ Hannity now hosts two television programs. ‘Hannity’s America’ continues to air on weekends, investigating topics like ‘Faithful rely on powers of Saint Joseph to sell their homes,’ and ‘Inside a Mexican church that declares it has ‘miracle dirt.” Erstwhile, he is also launching ‘Hannity.’ Despite the existential void left by Colmes’ departure, ‘Hannity’ occupies the same time slot as the two amigos’ old program. The graphics have been redesigned, now holding Hannity’s name inside an Old-Glory-inspired police badge. There’s a new sheriff in town. ACLU members beware. Boss Hannity doesn’t take too kindly to your kind ’round these parts ‘mdash; except in 1989, when he was successfully defended by the ACLU after, on his college radio program, he dubbed homosexuality a lower form of behavior, and called acceptance of it the result of brainwashing. Yet, no matter how righteous his indignation, Butch Hannity just won’t be the same without Sundance Colmes. For now, Colmes is overseeing his Web site, ‘Liberaland,’ at www.alan.com. On it, he provides penetrating insights such as, ‘[The cease-fire] will only last if Israel leaves Gaza,’ and ‘Buy my wife’s book!’ It’s easy to see how Colmes has built a cult following of supporters insatiable in their lust for all things Alan. Graciously, he also provides a podcast, serving up daily installments of monotone wisdom. You’ll be thankful for it the next time you hit ‘shuffle’ at a party, and your iHome blasts a passive-aggressive conversation between Colmes and Karl Rove right after ‘Love Lockdown.’ He continues to be contracted as a Fox News commentator, but he is bound to get the same treatment as Tucker Carlson on MSNBC. Men of their stock are rare specimens ahead of their time. Gradually, his talent will go unrecognized by his Fox bosses, the rubes in executive suites who forget how they felt the first time they stared into Colmes’ beady eyes. Hannity and Colmes fought for our agreement every night like hyenas growling over a derelict corpse. Without the pair of them, truth is less attainable. We knew if Hannity made enough guests laugh when he mocked Colmes, Republicans were correct on every political issue of the day. Conversely, Democratic wisdom won if Colmes could fire off at least two character assassinations through minimal interruption. In accordance with the Fairness Doctrine, truth is only capable of having two sides: conservative or liberal. We need pundits pumping those black-and-white opinions into our doe-eyed stares. Believe whoever barks louder or adequately berates their rhetorical opponent. For instance, commentator Dick Morris, an ex-Clinton toady and the closest any real person has come to being Grima Wormtongue, shouted down Colmes by yelling, ‘You’re going to listen to me!’ and told Hannity that Colmes didn’t have a brain. After that, I subscribed to everything Morris said because I liked his sass. When Colmes can’t yell loud enough, I’m willing to listen to his conqueror. Even giants fall sometimes. That’s fair and balanced. I only hope Colmes can find his voice alone in the media wilderness. If he can crawl to the top of the mountain and blow his alphorn in triumph, like the Ricola man, I’ll once again heed his call. Until then, as Shakespeare once wrote, ‘Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!’ E-mail Dave at drb34@pitt.edu.