Beitzel: Singularity U. prepares you for the robopocalypse

Prepare yourselves for the coming war! Study at Singularity University! Learn how to stop robots… Prepare yourselves for the coming war! Study at Singularity University! Learn how to stop robots from exterminating the human race! Singularity University is a new concept school aimed at preparing students for ‘the technological Singularity,’ which is when technology progresses so rapidly that feeble human minds do not understand its ramifications. Dr. Ray Kurzweil, who chronicled the concept in his book ‘The Singularity Is Near,’ somehow convinced NASA to partner with him and fellow futurists in the creation of this school, which will open its doors in the ‘not;near future. SU is ‘looking for the next generation of CEOs, university deans/presidents and government leaders,’ according to its Web site, singularity-university.org. It does not cite specific degree or experience requirements for admission, but prospective students should have ‘expertise in one of the 10 track areas.’ Among many academic tracks listed, some studies seem especially fruitful. Take the artificial intelligence, robotics and cognitive computing major and focus on ‘AI ethics, potential for runaway AI, friendly vs. unfriendly AI,’ or ponder the question, ‘Will computers become conscious?’ These chance future problems are of far greater importance than solving the boring challenges of today, like energy independence, media monopolies and health care ‘not;’not;’mdash; GE is already tackling renewable energy with ‘eco-magination,’ and Medicare is only a problem for old people. Now we can focus on the possibility for a computer to love or whether it counts if you cheat on your girlfriend with a cyborg (Answer: It depends on which parts were robotic). The robot apocalypse might be far-fetched. A real-life Terminator is hard to believe. Thankfully, Singularity University offers other concentrations, such as policy, law and ethics. Here you can study ‘ethical issues around anticipated human manipulations, brain enhancements, AIs, self-replicating nanotech, brain uploads, cryogenics and re-animation,’ among other things. This is much more grounded in practicality, especially the study of brain enhancements. Occasionally our brains all go flaccid, no matter how much we want to think. Maybe Singularity can invent some sort of drug that speeds up the mind. A discovery like that would be a harmless cure-all everyone would want to take. Warning: If your brain is active for more than four hours, consult a doctor. Brain uploads, however, could be counterproductive. If information can be mainlined to my cerebrum, why should I go to Singularity’s classes? Actually, the deans are one step ahead of me. Singularity University will not invent these scientific oddities, because it does not plan to conduct research. Touche, SU. The school’s mission is to ‘assemble, educate and inspire a cadre of leaders who strive to understand and facilitate the development of exponentially advancing technologies and apply, focus and guide these tools to address humanity’s grand challenges.’ For any naysayers out there who think that mere awareness and discussion are useless without research, stop reading now. This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it. To outsmart AI, it is necessary to get into the mind of a machine. Therefore, to beat the robots, SU must make its students think like robots. It should engage in a number of techniques. First, teach the same curricula to thousands of students. Force-feed the information, like a programmer writing an algorithm. Next, dismiss original thought in favor of regurgitated pre-programmed answers. Similarly, SU must force students to behave in approved manners ‘mdash; code their conduct. Officials should use mathematical rubrics and number systems to quantitatively evaluate qualitative work. This reward and punishment system digests complex linguistic and behavioral information into more easily computed counting. Even if the school does not follow this path, academics at SU are rigorous. The proposed plan consists of executive programs that last three days or 10 days. The graduate studies program is an intense nine weeks. Surprisingly, with such a relentless schedule of substantive material, the college will not be accredited. The world should take this school seriously. Its creation might even warrant fear. How do we know this isn’t a ruse? What if the robots are one step ahead of us? What if they’ve already infiltrated NASA and are posing as SU’s deans? They could be luring students in to feed them misinformation. If that were the case, everything SU teaches would be useless, possibly even a harmful distraction from humanity’s true problems. Hopefully we can trust Dr. Kurzweil’s sincere interest in saving humanity. If not, I’ve worked up some contingency plans. First, don’t build computers with legs. That way they remain stationary, and the worst thing they can ever do is turn themselves off. Then again, the world’s computers turning off already sparked fears of Armageddon nine years ago. Yet, there is one other thing humanity can do to ensure its survival. It’s … it’s … hmm. That’s odd. Every time I try to type it, my laptop says, ‘I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.’ E-mail Dave at drb34@pitt.edu, if your computer will let you.