Unemployment has upsides for everyone

There are two groups of people in this world: the employed, and those wily individuals who… There are two groups of people in this world: the employed, and those wily individuals who prefer the thrill of living day-to-day, searching the streets for money, stockpiling Market Central apples and oranges and constructing elaborate mouse traps in back alleys — for food and enjoyment! It’s a good life, and, as a long-standing un-employee, one I plan to protect.

Shockingly, there is a growing underground group of people — I like to call them the ‘Job Snobs’ — who seek to tarnish the good names of the jobless. The Job Snobs think that those without jobs are different, and there is no room for difference in our modern society. Because of this, there are those who feel that the Jobless Movement must be stopped immediately and at all costs.

One by one I’ve watched my peers succumb to the Job Snobs’ heavy fists of fury. One second they’re frolicking happily in the sweet, grassy meadows of unemployment, and the next second they’re stuffed into aprons serving up eggs and grits to table four.

I had a dear friend — we’ll call her Cookie — who once was much like me: A young, happy girl who had not a care in the world except to decide what kind of cheese she wanted on her macaroni.

Then Cookie was sucked into the cold, cruel world of the service industry. She traded in our joyous games of Spud in the park for an ice cream shop. So it came to be that Cookie spent her mornings, afternoons and evenings selling various flavors of custard and ceramic cat statues to elderly women, small children and one melancholy clown who oft frequented the parlor.

Sadly, Cookie’s story is just one of many. Societal pressures are turning more and more to the job market at terrifying rates.

People without jobs are being dubbed ‘lazy,’ ‘worthless’ and little better than the rats that we enjoy catching so much.

And it’s not just a U.S. trend. Many other countries in the world are beginning to blame their problems on the unemployed.

Afghanistan is blaming the unemployed for its entire illegal poppy market, according to BBC News.

The UK — contrary to its normal reputation of being filled to the brim with cheerful, caring folk — has turned the other cheek to those without jobs. In a study conducted by The Economist, 30 percent of British citizens stated that the unemployed population’s ‘laziness or lack of willpower got them where they are today.’

The terrible accusations continue, with Thomas Seidler, a researcher at the Institute for Social ‘amp; Economic Research, actually blaming unemployment for one of the most petrifying and widespread diseases of the 21st century: right-wing extremism.

Seidler compiled three data sets that show a positive relationship between growing up with unemployed parents and right-wing extremism, indicating xenophobia in particular.

Germany is so ashamed of its unemployed that it is considering removing older unemployed citizens from its government unemployment statistics, according to an Associated Press news brief.

This is ridiculous! Everyone knows that the root of all our problems is the cow population. They’re the ones that need to go!

After all these attacks, I feel the obligation to stick up for my people here and explain why the unemployed are not nations’ foes, but instead entities that need to be embraced.

Unemployed people are eclectic. We like jumping around from thing to thing. During my rather lengthy unemployment I was highly involved with my community, baked cookies for the elderly, volunteered at the Pittsburgh Zoo and watched an extremely large quantity of television — which is extremely important for reasons I can’t adequately explain in this column.

Many famous writers, musicians and artists were unemployed. The Job Snobs’ propaganda tells us that this is because those markets are small and competitive. But many of these same writers, musicians and artists become famous writing about their experiences in the unemployed world.

And what a sweet world it is: no occupation tax, no bosses, no annoying co-workers, no money — thus ensuring that we don’t get sucked into consumerism and the like.

The fact is we’re a great group of people, us un-employees. We go about our ways and mind our own business. We don’t judge people who have jobs, so why should they judge us?

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Upon hearing that you were unemployed, has anyone ever asked, ‘Sir (or Madam), are you selling opium on the black market?’ If so, seek support from Molly at mog4@pitt.edu.