Lehe: Pan flute mockery a disease of ignorance

We need to be on the lookout for echo chamber effects. You know what I mean: You start hearing… We need to be on the lookout for echo chamber effects. You know what I mean: You start hearing people say something, and because everyone is saying it, you start saying it without verifying the source. Some folks say that’s how the subprime crisis got started. Something similar is happening in the comedy world. It has become subtle and insightful humor to make fun of Peruvian pan flute bands. The first time I encountered the trend was in David Sedaris’ new book, ‘When You Are Engulfed in Flames.’ He remarks how there are Peruvian pan flute bands all over the world, annoying people. I read this and thought, ‘That is so true!’ I thought David Sedaris was really onto something. Later, my friend who works at NPR told me about editing stories about Andean farmers for a global issues show. She and her coworkers were expressly banned, in a memo, from using Peruvian pan flute music. On getting the memo, everyone laughed and said, ‘Thank God! That stuff is so annoying.’ Then, the TV show South Park came out with not one but two episodes dedicated to a Peruvian pan flute epidemic. The Peruvians were out of control, annoying people around the world. When this phenomenon was used to justify a government conspiracy that involved quarantining all the Peruvian pan flute players, the fictional American public agreed blindly. Meanwhile, life imitated art. My roommates and I laughed. We talked about how when we were traveling, the Peruvian pan flute bands were everywhere and they were all annoying. We all had a Peruvian pan flute story to share. It’s part of being a citizen of the world these days, as much as buying FairTrade and listening to MIA and losing a bundle in an emerging markets mutual fund. For Christmas, I got a copy of The Onion Atlas. There is an article for every country in the world. With a racing pulse and sweaty brow, scarcely aware of just what I was looking for, I flipped to the South America section. There, glaring from under the heading for Peru, was the introductory subtitle that unveils the central comic conceit for each country: ‘Always with the Goddamn Pan Flutes.’ Under the subtitle: ‘The former seat of the Inca Empire is today driven by the joyful, sickening melodies of the pan flute …’ Where did this epidemic of pan-flute hating come from? Are they really annoying us? Have you been personally annoyed, or was it just a friend of a friend? It is time to reverse this echo chamber effect with some cold and indisputable facts that no one can argue. Here are some common fictions about Peruvian pan flute bands and some facts to accompany them. 1. Fiction: They always play Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘El Condor Pasa.’ Fact: They hardly ever play that song. That song is lame, in sharp contrast to condors, which are awesome. Peruvians even have an illegal festival called Yawar Fiesta ‘mdash; ‘blood festival’ in Spanchua ‘mdash; where they tie a condor to a bull’s back for a fight, knowing full well the condor will win by pecking the bull’s eyes out all the way to the brains. Having seen the condor in action against a giant bull, Peruvians would not disgrace the condor by playing such a lame song. 2. Fiction: They never play The Beatles’ ‘Obla Di Obla Da.’ Fact: They actually play that song as often as you might believe they’d play ‘El Condor Pasa.’ ‘Obla Di Obla Da’ is a great song that you like. 3. Fiction: Peruvian pan flute bands are everywhere. Fact: There are not that many Peruvian pan flute bands, and definitely not enough to base an ‘Is it just me or …?’ joke on, which is the kind of humor that makes you laugh when someone points out this thing that is really common but that no one thought to talk about, like if you said, ‘It’s so awkward when you say goodbye to someone but then it turns out y’all are walking in the same direction.’ Everyone who travels has probably heard two Peruvian pan flute bands. So sorry! Gently weep me a damn river, backpackers. 4. Fiction: You do not like Peruvian pan flute music. Fact: You like Peruvian pan flute music. The pan flute’s pillowy tones cradle the ear in a hammock of harmony, a salt bath for the soul. The music is uplifting, calming and somehow vaguely ancestral for all the world’s peoples. Peruvian pan flutes stir up visions of Druid ancestors, riding alpacas over the Andes, harvesting nutmeg for a solstice with Elijah and some samurai and Sufjan Stevens. 5. Fiction: Pan flute music is the only music of the Peruvian people. Fact: Peruvians also have this type of music called Huayno ‘mdash; pronounced like ‘wino.’ Huayno is awesome. It is the blues of the Andes ‘mdash; the musicians are often drunk and always yelling with their cousins on the recordings, and the songs are about pretty girls who run around or have to leave the old homestead for the big city life. As much as you adore Peruvian pan flute music, you will like Huayno better. The next time you hear someone ripping on Peruvian pan flute bands, remember this column. Then, give the column to him because you printed out some copies just in case. Only the facts can put an end to the vicious cycle. E-mail Lewis at ljl10@pitt.edu.