M. Green: Cheney secretly the puppet master

As President George W. Bush’s tenure as our commander in chief comes to a close, there has been… As President George W. Bush’s tenure as our commander in chief comes to a close, there has been much reflection in the media on his role in politics throughout the past eight years. Most notable of these is a series of interviews with various aides and advisers to the Bush administration compiled in the Vanity Fair article ‘An Oral History of the Bush White House.’ The article reveals many of the inner workings of the Bush administration that had been hidden away from us, the normal, everyday Americans. And quite the surprise, many of these interviews go on to suggest that Vice President Dick Cheney might have actually been pulling strings. Gasp. Most adamant of all about the evilness of Cheney was Lawrence Wilkerson, chief of staff to Secretary of State Colin Powell. Among many other things, Wilkerson refers to Cheney as ‘the most astute, bureaucratic entrepreneur I’ve ever run into in my life,’ and explained that ‘Cheney knew exactly how to polish [Bush] and rub him. He knew exactly when to give him a memo or when to do this or when to do that and exactly the word choice to use to get him really excited.’ According to Wilkerson, Cheney ‘turns everything on its head and he becomes the power. And he does it through his network. This is a guy who’s an absolute genius at bureaucracy and an absolute genius at not displaying his genius at bureaucracy. He’s always quiet. So are most of his minions ‘hellip;’ In a final flourish, Wilkerson makes the analogy between Cheney and a Nazi Gestapo. While scary, I’m afraid to say that this isn’t even the half of it. I, too, have some sources who were very close to certain members of the Bush administration ‘mdash; I’m not going to name names, but let’s just say I have many friends in the animal community (and yes, I am alluding to Barney, the Bush family’s trusty Scottish terrier). I learned that Cheney was doing much more than manipulating Bush’s decision making, he was actually manipulating all of Bush’s actions ‘hellip; using mind control. Now our resident cowboy-president didn’t get his reputation as stubborn for nothing. I have it on good authority that he often struggled against Cheney’s ironclad clutch. In fact, many of the so-called ‘Bushisms’ he garbled out so unintelligibly over the years were actually veiled cries for help. You may have noticed that many of these blunders occurred when Bush deviated from his scripted speeches (no doubt penned by Cheney, probably in his own blood). It’s not that Bush was unable to form intelligent, coherent sentences on his own, as the media would have you believe (don’t think Cheney hasn’t gotten to them, too). Oh no. It was merely the desperate attempts of a desperate man to send a message to the American people ‘mdash; one far scarier than global warming or the possible threats to our national security. The Associated Press recently compiled a list of notable Bushisms, which I will now submit to you, ladies and gentlemen, as evidence that Bush was nothing more than an unwilling pawn in Cheney’s corrupt master plan. Exhibit A: Sept. 29, 2000 ‘mdash; Bush hadn’t even been elected to the presidency yet, and already Cheney had begun his reign of terror. During a speech in Saginaw, Mich., Cheney had commanded Bush, a lifelong friend to aquatic life everywhere, to assure local business owners that he would not support the dismantlement of energy-producing dams as a means to protect threatened species of fish. Cheney’s control over Bush was not yet at full strength, however, and he was able to let out what might be his last sentence-length original thought: ‘I know that the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.’ Cheney, who naturally hates fish, was not pleased. Exhibit B: Oct. 4, 2001 ‘mdash; According to chief White House counterterrorism adviser Richard Clark, plans were already underway to use Sept. 11 as a means to invade Iraq. Bush attempted to warn the public in a post-Sept. 11, back-to-work speech: ‘There’s no doubt in my mind, not one doubt in my mind, that we will fail.’ Soon after, he nearly died ‘mdash; suspiciously ‘mdash;choking on a pretzel. Exhibit C: Aug. 5, 2004 ‘mdash; Bush spoke at the signing ceremony of the fiscal-year 2005 Defense Appropriation Act. Poor Bush had already begun, like much of the country, to question our overseas military efforts (he admitted as much to Charlie Gibson in his farewell interview this year), but Cheney’s will was too strong, and Bush signed the bill into law. He did, however, manage this warning: ‘Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.’ Exhibit D: Dec. 7, 2006 ‘mdash; Knowing that his pleas has fallen on deaf ears in the United States and that most Americans thought he had all the intelligence of a Kentucky fried chicken, Bush became desperate enough to try his luck with the Brits. Fearing yet another ‘pretzel incident’ and knowing that all Britons love Shakespeare, Bush attempted to convey his situation metaphorically. In a joint appearance with former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Bush suggestively mentioned, ‘Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die.’ This was, of course, a reference to his own dying soul, which after more than six years of presidency had been probably been tormented beyond repair. Exhibit E: May 27, 2008 ‘mdash; Bush’s presidency was nearly over, and let’s be real here, he was a beaten man (See: weight loss and perpetual frown). Sadly, his Bushisms were occurring at a less frequent rate, a testament to his defeat. We might have thought Bush had learned from his failure with the Brits, but during a speech in Mesa, Ariz., he attempted to make one last metaphor, one last cry for help to the American people who had turned their backs on him so icily with their Bush-bashing and low approval ratings. Bush nearly outed Cheney when he said, ‘The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there’s jobs at the machine-making place.’ Bush was clearly being vague on purpose, lest Cheney figure it out and ‘accidentally’ shoot him while ‘hunting.’ Don’t you see, he was the machine! Cheney was the maker! And that machine-making place? The White House! Sadly, the American people chalked this up as poor vocabulary skills and had a good laugh at the president’s expense. Poor Bush. We can only be thankful that Cheney’s reign as puppet master is nearly over. Send Molly more evidence at mog4@pitt.edu.