Green: Politics makes for good gossip

‘ ‘ ‘ I love political gossip. It’s kind of like celebrity gossip, except better, because with… ‘ ‘ ‘ I love political gossip. It’s kind of like celebrity gossip, except better, because with celebrities you pretty much expect the pre-teen antics, the drug problems and ripped leggings. ‘ ‘ ‘ But politicians? These are people who walk around in Armani powersuits, answering phone calls about stipulation 23.d of some bill on public zoos. While I don’t doubt that it goes on ‘mdash;’ oh, how I’m sure it goes on ‘mdash; politicians, ever mindful of public image, are just extremely good at hiding the smack-talking, the rumor-mongering and overall bitch-slapping of the political sphere. ‘ ‘ ‘ Therefore, it’s three times as gratifying to get a whiff of politicians in their natural state. ‘ ‘ ‘ With this in mind, I have to say I was especially tickled by last week’s events surrounding the search to fill Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s senatorial position. This played out like a February sweeps episode of ‘Gossip Girl.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ At one end we have Gov. David Paterson, who’s basically that kid who wants everyone to like him. Paterson was sworn in as governor of New York after the former governor, Eliot Spitzer, was accused of servicing prostitutes and generally just being a creep. Paterson is a kind of desperate sort, eager for attention. ‘ ‘ ‘ So you can imagine his delight when he was given the task of choosing Clinton’s replacement. All of a sudden, everyone wanted to talk to him. Even Katie Couric wanted an interview! ‘ ‘ ‘ So Paterson, eager to perpetuate his newfound fame, did the most counterintuitive thing possible. Instead of choosing a replacement expediently and diplomatically, he declared that he could not fill the seat until Clinton was officially sworn in as secretary of state. ‘ ‘ ‘ Thanks to Paterson’s media-whoring, nearly 10 possible candidates came out of the woodwork and announced their interest in the position. ‘ ‘ ‘ Of these, none was more surprising than Caroline Kennedy, a notoriously private person who, until recently, wanted absolutely nothing to do with the public domain. ‘ ‘ ‘ Despite her lack of experience, Kennedy became an instant front-runner, because, well, she’s a Kennedy. As the day of Clinton’s appointment neared, people became increasingly convinced that Kennedy had the position locked up. ‘ ‘ ‘ That is, of course, until the events of Wednesday, Jan. 21, which is when things get good. ‘ ‘ ‘ Seemingly out of nowhere, the New York Post broke this shocking story: According to an anonymous source, Kennedy withdrew her name from consideration. ‘ ‘ ‘ Then the media circus began. Soon after both the Post and The New York Times reported that Kennedy had withdrawn, both citing anonymous sources, NBC announced that according to sources close to the Kennedys ‘mdash; also anonymous, of course ‘mdash; Kennedy had not withdrawn, citing a miscommunication between Paterson and Kennedy. ‘ ‘ ‘ For the next several hours, no one, probably not even Paterson, knew exactly what was going on. Finally, at midnight, to end the most confusing round of he-said-she-said-Caroline-Kennedy-wants-to-be-a-senator-and-then-doesn’t-and-then-does-and-then-doesn’t-again ever, Kennedy announced in an official statement that she had withdrawn her name for ‘personal reasons.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Oh the mystery! The drama! Who was that first anonymous source ‘mdash; someone on Kennedy’s end, or Paterson’s? What happened during those silent hours of deliberation before Kennedy announced her decision? When did Kennedy actually first withdraw? Did Paterson ever plan on picking Kennedy in the first place? Most beguiling of all, what were Kennedy’s ‘personal reasons’ for dropping out? ‘ ‘ ‘ Paterson’s anonymous sources came out swinging the next day with their own answers, insinuating that Kennedy dropped out because of problems relating to a nanny, unpaid taxes and possible marital troubles. ‘ ‘ ‘ Kennedy’s sources, miffed by these reports, charged the governor with mudslinging. According to an Associated Press report, one explained that Kennedy ‘had a ‘minor issue with a nanny’ that the governor’s staff reviewed and found to be irrelevant.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ I half expected this one to come next: According to a source close to the Kennedys, who wished to remain unidentified, Kennedy apparently withdrew her name from selection after learning that Paterson had also given a BFF friendship bracelet to Andrew Cuomo! ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘BFF means best friends forever,’ said the source. ‘Caroline takes that title very seriously, but apparently Gov. Paterson does not.’ As for where all these ‘anonymous’ sources come from, that’s a great question. I suspect that probably at least half of the sources on Paterson’s end were actually Paterson himself. ‘ ‘ ‘ I can see him now, twisting the phone wire anxiously around his finger and speaking in a way-too-high-pitched voice, so as to ‘hide’ his true identity: ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Hello? Am I speaking with the New York Post? … Hi, this is a close, personal friend of Gov. Paterson … Yes, I think you could say I know him pretty well *giggle giggle* … Yeah, I’m just calling to inform you that Gov. Paterson wasn’t ever even considering that two-timing, last-minute-decision-changing jerk Caroline Kennedy … He was just trying to be nice … Oh, and I don’t know if you knew, but he’s running for re-election in 2010. Thanks!’ ‘ ‘ ‘ I suppose we’ll never know exactly what happened that Wednesday morning or why Kennedy officially withdrew her name from consideration. ‘ ‘ ‘ But that doesn’t mean we can’t gossip about it ‘mdash; at least until Paterson decides to release an autobiography. Speculate with Molly at mog4@pitt.edu.