Mitsch: Pennsylvania Super Bowl could have turned ugly

So … guess what? – I got an answer for last week’s question about the Squirrel Hill Tunnels… So … guess what? – I got an answer for last week’s question about the Squirrel Hill Tunnels and why everybody always slows down before going through them causing traffic to back up. Remember that? Well, my good friend Mark Lucas, the undisputed champion in the most-consecutive-free-throws-made contest in basketball class freshman year, approached me with an answer. A tour guide once told him that the Squirrel Hill Tunnels, which opened in 1953, were built before any tunnel-width regulations had been implemented. So they’re narrow. Thanks Mark. Where were you with LenDale White fantasy trade advice? – Also, I wonder if students who use revolving doors in England go through on the left side. Think about it. – Oh … and don’t hang an Eagles banner outside a window in front of a Steelers mob. You’re banner will usually be snatched and your window broken by snowballs that probably had full cans of Iron City in the middle of them. – That said, as huge as it would have been to see a Steelers-Eagles Super Bowl, imagine what could have happened here after the game. Somebody would have had to lose. The fans of that losing team would have had to suffer through another street celebration in the face of the other team’s jubilant, screaming fans. If it looks like it could have been a violent, full-scale riot and smells like it could have been a violent, full-scale riot, then it very well could have been a violent, full-scale riot-slash-battle royal with alcohol in the middle as the referee shouts, ‘The rules are … there are no rules!’ That would mean bad news for everyone. Larry Fitz saves the day yet again. – Kirk Radomski, the former Mets trainer/admitted steroid dealer, found a way to get back into the news by endorsing the story of his friend, Brian McNamee, over that of embattled pitcher Roger Clemens, if you remember that whole saga. ‘I believe my friend,’ Radomski told ESPN earlier this week, which reminds me of the Great Bus-Stop Tripping Incident of 1996 … – It was late fall, and young tempers flared over the definition of ‘regurgitated.’ Those who didn’t know wanted to and those who knew wouldn’t tell. Amid the confusion, young Jimmy Smith* tripped and nearly broke his glasses. A tribunal was held to find out if foul play was involved amid accusations from the victim. But the fourth graders at the stop wouldn’t give up one of their own. The jury was hung and the case was dropped. The definition of regurgitated wasn’t discovered until years later. The perpetrator was never found. *The names have been changed to protect the innocent … or the guilty? – Rank me! (First-place votes): 1. Santonio Holmes (1) ‘- A high ranking. 2. Owning the Rock Band 2 display game in Blockbuster ‘- So what if it was ‘Eye of the Tiger?’ Still killed it. 3. Playing hoops with President Barack Obama ‘- Now on my bucket list 4. America’s Funniest Home Videos ‘- Specifically videos of cats attacking home-office equipment. 5. Good hair days. Also receiving votes: Bar-song cover bands, wizard staffs, Shakira, forgetting you got chips with your Subway because you put them in your backpack for later, then finding them later and going nuts because you forgot and didn’t think you had chips before … but you do! Dropped from the rankings: Big snowflakes that hit you in the face, bags of popcorn that NEVER POP ALL THE WAY! HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO PUT IT ON FOR? [Editors note: You just have to have the touch.] – Words that sound cool but that mean bad things: racketeering. That’s really the only word I had in mind: racketeering. Wouldn’t it sound cool and adventurous to be a racketeer if it meant something other than a person who commits crimes such as extortion, loansharking, bribery and obstruction of justice in furtherance of illegal business activities? Yeah it would. Racketeers … away! … To prison. – A roommate discussion:’ Do you think Matt Hasselbeck was the first choice for EAS to lead its new commercial? I’m betting that they hadn’t originally intended for Brady Quinn’s meathead, ‘Now I’m done,’ to sound like Phil Mickelson after his fourth plate at the breakfast buffet. E-mail Pat at pmitsch@gmail.com.