Littman: A viewer’s guide to the upcoming year of sports

It was another solid year for sports in 2008, but allow me to let you in on a secret and tell… It was another solid year for sports in 2008, but allow me to let you in on a secret and tell you 2009 is going to be much better. I have no doubts about this, mostly because I built a time machine, went to 2010 and studied up on the past year just for you fine people. Not to bore you, but the time machine was fairly simple to build. All you need are a seat, the canned screams of a unicorn, some metal, a poorly constructed American flag that has 15 stripes and nine stars, pedals and Superman. So enjoy, as I completely ruin the upcoming year of sports for you. The Detroit Lions enjoy a bounce-back year after trading the No. 1 overall pick in the NFL Draft to the Dallas Cowboys for Terrell Owens. What the rest of the league wasn’t aware of was that Lions owner William Ford perfected human cloning, and he clones TO. This new TO, Terrence Owens, plays quarterback, only throwing to the original TO. Toward the end of the season, Ford gets greedy and clones TO again, creating another receiver, Ted Owens. Ted and Terrell eventually complain because there aren’t enough passes to go around, and they fight to the death. They tie. Terrence then leads the Lions past the Cowboys in the playoffs because Tony Romo only completes five passes ‘- all to Lions’ players ‘- the entire game. Tiger Woods comes back stronger than ever, mostly because instead of rehabbing, he undergoes a surgery that makes him one-third robot. Sean Avery is named commissioner of the NHL after everyone realizes he’s the only hockey player who gets the league any kind of attention. At the press conference, which was inexplicably held on ice, a Montreal Canadiens beat writer throws not one, but two ice skates at Avery, missing both times. People play soccer. Lil’ Wayne gives up rapping to become a full-time writer with ESPN.com. He garners such a following that ESPN eventually puts him on ‘Around the Horn,’ where he uses rhymes to insult all the other reporters, including Jay Mariotti and biscotti, as well as Bob Ryan and kite flyin’. As Wayne fever spreads across ESPN, he and T-Pain take over as hosts of ‘Pardon the Interruption,’ Josh Elliott gets a teardrop tattoo under his right eye, and Scott Van Pelt starts using an auto-tune to host ‘Sportscenter.’ Another team finishes 0-16 in the NFL. This time, when that team loses its final game of the season, the team captains dump a tub of smoldering coffee on their head coach, scarring him for life.’ Another ‘Rocky’ movie is made, this time with Rocky getting the mumble beat out of him by Wall-E. Tim Tebow stays for his senior year with the Gators after Florida makes him the highest paid athlete in the country. Because the Tampa Bay Devil Rays changed its name to just the Rays and made the World Series the very next season, the Pirates do the same. They change to the Pittsburgh Pi and hold a huge celebration on opening night to retire jersey number 3.14159265. They finish only a bit closer to .500. The Cleveland Cavaliers win the NBA championship. LeBron James gets eight rings. When asked about the major upcoming changes to the Pro Bowl, roughly 85 percent of NFL players respond with, ‘the what’? Ninety-two percent of fans answer similarly. Because of the struggling economy, the Triple Crown is reduced to only two races, the Kentucky Derby and the Iditarod, which now features horses instead of dogs. Remember that really uncharismatic, goofy swimmer guy from the last Olympics? Ha, me neither. No professional athletes are arrested. The sports world is shocked and owes a giant apology to Donovan McNabb when everyone realizes they too don’t know the overtime procedures of the NFL after the Super Bowl ends in a tie based on a secret rule Paul Tagliabue implemented on his last day as NFL Commissioner. Stephon Marbury sees ‘Juwanna Mann’ and gets what he thinks is a great idea. Charlie Weis leads Notre Dame to a thrilling victory over Notre Dame in a preseason scrimmage between the offense and defense. He is given a five-year extension, and Sean Astin starts packing on the pounds for his role in the movie ‘Charlie.’ Tired of people saying they are evil and ruining baseball, the New York Yankees try to do something nice by buying the Washington Nationals. They will move the Nationals to the Dominican Republic, where after every home game, fans are invited to run the bases, take batting practice and throw off the mound. Those who excel then get to take a physical, give their autograph and move to Staten Island. Just kidding about that earlier one. Lots of professional athletes are arrested. Alex Rodriguez plays two games in a wedding dress. After watching the Sun Bowl, the NCAA switches over to a college football playoff system, claiming, ‘Uh, yeah, sorry about that. Trying to sit through that game made us see the light, and seriously, our bad. Wow, just yeah. Sorry.’ So there you have it. It’s like the ESPY’s, but in print form and entertaining. Hope you enjoy your 2009 sports year, and one more thing: I know it’s shocking, but trust me. When betting on this year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee, take the under.