Korman: Korman cans cold complaints

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ I’ve always been fond of the annual phenomenon known in temperate climate zones as… ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ I’ve always been fond of the annual phenomenon known in temperate climate zones as ‘winter.’ Snow is fun to play with. The comforting abilities of hot cocoa have been well documented. The stylistic virtues of the beanie are, in my opinion, largely unheralded. Also, my birthday occurs during winter. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ But one thing about winter I can’t stand is the incessant complaining about the cold that people seem to feel obligated to engage in. Not only is it extremely negative, it’s also unconstructive. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ There is not some democratic meteorological overlord listening in on our trivial banter for constructive criticism regarding his current model in order to determine possible avenues for improvement. Face it: It is cold outside, and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ This is why I have resolved, for the entire winter, not to complain even once about the cold, nor any of its meteorological brethren. This includes but is not limited to: snow, sleet, hail, slush and icebergs. I briefly considered allowing myself to gripe about ‘wind chill,’ but this would have been one of those annoying technical loopholes no less morally reprehensible than your annoying little brother blowing in your ear after you yell at him to stop touching you. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ My undertaking is not unprecedented. In 2007, a Kansas City pastor responded to a rash of complaints from his congregation regarding his church’s dress code by vowing to abstain from complaining for 21 days ‘mdash; non-consecutively, of course. He reached his goal after three months. Think about that ‘mdash; in the 90 days following his proclamation, he was successful just 23 percent of the time. It appears that I have quite a task ahead of me. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ If it is negative 4 degrees outside and a substance resembling split-pea soup is pouring out of my nose, what am I supposed to say to my roommates when I walk in without sounding like a complainer? ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ What about when others bring it up first? I stumble into class wearing a down jacket and about six sweaters. I can feel the moisture in my eyeballs beginning to crystallize. Someone exclaims, ‘Wow, it’s cold out!’ How exactly do I respond? ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Rest assured, I have not committed to this haphazardly. I compiled a list of phrases that I am confident will seamlessly redirect conversations away from how unbelievably face-numbingly cold it is. Such phrases include, ‘Cold is such a relative concept,’ and ‘I would prefer that our conversation diverge from the topic of how exceptionally cold it is.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Some might say that I am contradicting myself here. They might point to the fact that deriding those who perpetually complain about the cold is actually an act of complaining in itself. They might even identify this column as ‘hypocritical.’ I will express my disdain for these cynics in a future column about those who complain about my complaining about those who complain about how ridiculously cold it is outside. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ One group that never complains about cold weather is Eskimos. Contrary to urban legend, they do not have an unusually large number of words for ‘snow.’ In fact, it turns out that Eskimos have just as many words for cold-related concepts as we do. I find this truly remarkable ‘mdash; a people that routinely endure low temperatures in the negative 50s are no more articulate in their descriptions of their climate than we are. To them, the cold is simply a way of life. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ I’ve even heard that in Eskimo colleges, if a student uses the weather as an excuse for missing class, the professor is required to fail them for the course. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ The student must then attend mandatory counseling sessions until they are fit for Eskimo society. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Alas, I am no Eskimo. I do expect a fair amount of difficulty in not complaining about how utterly piercing and painful this frigid weather can be. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ E-mail Ben at bek25@pitt.edu