For final exam success, don’t follow this example

Dear Professor, before grading this final exam, please consider the following. ‘ ‘ ‘ Believe… Dear Professor, before grading this final exam, please consider the following. ‘ ‘ ‘ Believe me ‘mdash; it’s been a pleasure sitting in your lecture for the past couple of months. I come every day, I take notes, I watch your PowerPoint presentations and generally listen to the things that you have to say. In fact, I like to think of this course as the pre-meal breadbasket of my academic career. Allow me to explain: ‘ ‘ ‘ When you’re about to go out for dinner, your focus is always on the entree or your companions or the wine, if that’s the kind of restaurant you dig. And then you sit down and there’s this big loaf of warm, just-baked bread sitting seductively on a simple white cloth in an unassuming oval-shaped wicker basket. ‘Oh, look. Bread,’ you might say. And it is freaking delicious every time, yet unfailingly inconspicuous. ‘ ‘ ‘ That is what your course does for me on a daily basis. And if you’ll allow me to take the analogy a step further, I would say that our textbook is that little dish of extra-virgin olive oil that they give you to dip the bread in, and your CourseWeb materials are those spicy red bits floating around in it. ‘ ‘ ‘ I came into this final exam humbly confident. I reread all of my notes three times. I reviewed all of the PowerPoint files. For the past week, all 12 pages of your final exam study guide have been laminated and plastered onto the walls of my shower. I did this because I like to take really long, productive showers. ‘ ‘ ‘ However, despite all my conscientious preparation, the essay question that you have presented us with today has, quite frankly, thrown me for a loop ‘mdash; it just isn’t ringing any bells. I’m thinking that the computer lab assistant who handled the printout of my study guide got confused and mixed it up with some film studies major’s. This may explain why page six of my copy is a shot-by-shot analysis of the famous wood chipper scene in ‘Fargo.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ I must also admit that I did miss one lecture because of illness. I’m fine now, even though the practitioner at Student Health described the growth as ‘obscenely globular.’ At the next lecture, I was sure to obtain notes from the one I missed from another student. ‘ ‘ ‘ Although that particular lesson’s apparent lack of substance first struck me as peculiar (the notes most prominently featured the day’s date and the phrase ‘reaction to stimuli’ circled and underlined multiple times), he assured me that he was a judicious note-taker who ‘doesn’t just mindlessly copy down everything that the professor says verbatim.’ That said, I have to admit that I am a bit disappointed because, just briefly flipping through this booklet, I see no questions regarding that day’s supposed lesson on sketching bikini models. ‘ ‘ ‘ I have also had to deal with some formidable distractions during the final unit of the course that may compromise my performance on this most weighty of exams. See, shortly after the last exam, I realized that the fifth season of ‘Lost’ begins in a matter of months, which of course meant that I had to start re-watching seasons one through four so that I’d have all the necessary plotlines available for instantaneous recall come February. I have tried my best not to let this interfere with my schoolwork. The same goes for the 18 credits I’m currently taking, my overnight job at UPMC, and the untimely deaths of several close family members. ‘ ‘ ‘ As you have probably noticed by now, this disclaimer is written in blood. This is not the manifestation of any ill-will, but rather an unfortunate last resort and byproduct of my being mugged on the way to the exam this morning. Why the mugger just took my four pre-sharpened No. 2 pencils and spared my cash and credit cards is beyond me. Just as a precaution though, please avoid physically touching the type at risk of infection ‘mdash; I should get the tests back from Student Health within the next few days. ‘ ‘ ‘ Also: is it insanely hot in here or is it just me? ‘ ‘ ‘ The guy next to me is wearing too much cologne. ‘ ‘ ‘ I wonder how many points I can afford to lose on this essay and still get an A in the class. ‘ ‘ ‘ Someone just walked up and asked you a question about the exam and you appeared to have given them a really helpful answer. Care to share it with the rest of us? ‘ ‘ ‘ Alas, here’s my essay on the impact of the Cold War on salsa record sales in Latvia circa 1962. Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated. E-mail Ben at bek25@pitt.edu.