Obama’s got his cabinet all wrong

‘ ‘ ‘ There has been much tete-a-tete about President-elect Barack Obama’s prospective cabinet… ‘ ‘ ‘ There has been much tete-a-tete about President-elect Barack Obama’s prospective cabinet appointees. Many political analysts think his selection is a strong, well-rounded group. But shouldn’t we consider what the people want? It seems like no one even cares about Joe Whatshisname anymore. Seriously Barack, the American people don’t want experience or qualifications. No, no, those things are way overrated. In this day and age, it’s all about the image, the pizzazz, the je ne sais quoi. ‘ ‘ ‘ In light of Obama’s error, I’ve put together a much more palatable list of recommendations for the 2008-12 presidential cabinet. We can only hope Obama takes heed: ‘ ‘ ‘ Secretary of State: ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Ah, the Secretary of State, the most coveted of all cabinet positions; the king of bureaucracy, if you will. And for such a dignified role, who better to be our next Secretary of State than the most charming, well-spoken, perfect person I know: George Clooney. ‘ ‘ ‘ If you think about it, Clooney would make an excellent Secretary of State. He has great international appeal ‘mdash; ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ was extremely well received by Europe, I’ll have you know. Moreover, Clooney brings people together. ‘ ‘ ‘ No matter what your nationality, religion or political ideology, chances are you find Clooney attractive ‘mdash; that is just the natural order, my friends. This soothing effect Clooney has on others ‘mdash; which I call the ‘Clooney Effect’ ‘mdash; has already earned him great praise in the area of foreign relations. In January of 2008, the United Nations even named him a ‘Messenger of Peace.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ With Clooney as our Secretary of State, no foreign dignitary will ever be able to say no to the United States again. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Secretary of Defense: ‘ ‘ ‘ In terms of national defense, there is something to be said for strategy and planning: It is absolutely unnecessary. What the American people really need is a rallying point, a figurehead that provokes feelings of confidence and well-being. And to be perfectly frank, some old suit isn’t exactly the epitome of security. ‘ ‘ ‘ Now, if we could have King Kong as our Secretary of Defense, well that would just be terrific. Answer me this: Are you going to mess with a country that has a giant ape advising its military operations? NO. Plus, King Kong has appeared in more than seven films and thus has quite a bit of experience spanning many eras and continents. And need I remind anyone who came out victorious in ‘King Kong vs. Godzilla?’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Attorney General: ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ The most important characteristic in an attorney general, as evidenced by recent U.S. history, is moral ambiguity. Therefore, there is really no one better for the job than Johnnie Cochran (never mind that he is dead, these details can be worked out later). You see, Cochran has an amazing ability to take things that are so very obviously false, and make them appear to be true ‘mdash; something former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was less skilled at. ‘ ‘ ‘ Basically, Johnnie C. knows how to get things done. ‘ ‘ ‘ Additional strengths: a penchant for rhyming, Libra (Libras are known to be fair, diplomatic people), successful television career (telltale sign of a winner). ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Secretary of Agriculture: ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ When it comes to agriculture, our country needs a Secretary as boring as the subject itself. Who else then, but the Barefoot Contessa (Ina Garten)! Garten has already shown that she makes a mean tuna salad, and methinks that any person who cares for vegetables and grains as passionately as she, must know what’s best for this nation’s agriculture. ‘ ‘ ‘ Also, Oprah thinks she’s great. ‘ ‘ ‘ Secretary of Treasury: ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ In tough times such as these, the American people need a Secretary of Treasury who isn’t afraid to pinch a penny here and there, or everywhere, actually. In many ways McDuck truly represents the capitalistic American Dream we all know and love so much. Born in Scotland, McDuck immigrated to the United States and worked his way up the social ladder. According to Disney, McDuck is ‘the richest duck in the world’ and a talented businessduck. ‘ ‘ ‘ I am confident that McDuck, who has an intense love for coins, would prove to be just what this country needs. ‘ ‘ ‘ Secretary of Education: ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Sadly, many people feel that U.S. education has reached an all-time low. Despite legislation like the No Child Left Behind Act, children are, in fact, getting left behind. The easiest way to deal with this is to appoint Lindsay Lohan as the new Secretary of Education. ‘ ‘ ‘ Lohan, who is practically illiterate and will naturally service as a puppet to be manipulated by others, will thus serve as a role model to the adoring masses of children who actually own copies of ‘Herbie Fully Loaded.’ If it worked for ripped leggings, it can work for academics, too. Other suggestions? E-mail them to Molly at mog4@pitt.edu.