Forget about the rest of the NFL, Matt Jones has to be right

Matt Jones is a man’s man. Well, hold on a second. He’s a man’s man in the John Wayne sense,… Matt Jones is a man’s man. Well, hold on a second. He’s a man’s man in the John Wayne sense, not in any other way. He’s so manly he can’t even stop other guys ‘mdash; football players of course ‘mdash; from thinking about him. Enter Joey Porter, figuratively of course. Porter, the former Steelers linebacker and current Miami Dolphin, was on a conference call with media members. He was asked about the NFL cracking down on hard hits, since commissioner Roger Goodell sent a letter to all teams telling them that first time offenders would be fined. He’s carried through on that letter quite a bit this season. ‘[Matt Jones] got caught with cocaine,’ said Porter to the Associated Press. ‘How does he get away with that? And then you fine people $20,000 for making comments to the media about the refs. The guy got caught with cocaine.’ It should be noted that Porter was fined a few weeks earlier after criticizing referee Ed Hochuli, and Jones was caught with cocaine in his car in July. He was suspended three games, but appealed the suspension and has played in every game this year while the league reviews his case and waits for his trial. But the real quandary here is why Jones was on Porter’s mind at all. So what’s the big deal with a little cocaine use? It was during the offseason. The Dolphins aren’t playing the Jaguars this week. In fact, the two teams don’t play at all this year, which makes Porter’s comments seem all the more odd. Well, Jones said he knows exactly why Porter used him as an example. ‘I mean, maybe he likes other men and sits up and thinks about stuff,’ said Jones to the Associated Press. Bingo. This makes perfect sense (to someone on cocaine). Porter was complaining about the NFL’s quickness to fine players. A few weeks ago, the Steelers’ Ryan Clark was fined $5,000 for wearing eye black with the No. 21 etched into it. He used the No. 21 to honor his friend Sean Taylor, the former Redskin safety who was shot and killed last year. Sticking with the Pittsburgh theme, Hines Ward was fined consecutive weeks for hits he made that resulted in a combined zero penalty yards. Porter has a problem with the league taking multiple steps to become the world’s premier flag football league by 2011. That’s understandable. But for him to bring in Jones was just uncalled for. Luckily Jones was well equipped with such a witty retort. The only better one I can think of is, ‘Well, the jerk store called, and they’re running out of you!’ It’s a shame Jones didn’t go with that, although his was pretty fantastic. It was hilarious ‘mdash; a genius throwback to middle school.’ The verbal demoralization of Porter caused him to apologize the very next day, of course. That’s what Porter gets for trying to go toe-to-toe with a real man like Jones. But for someone like Jones, who seems to have all the answers, does he realize what he’s doing career-wise? I’d hate to be the person that has to tell Jones he’s playing professional football. Does he know that every single week of the season, opposing teams are watching video of him all sweaty and running around in really tight pants? It’s a gross thought, I know, but it’s also true. Jones doesn’t know about video sessions because he skips them, obviously. Football isn’t about planning and scheming. It’s all manly instincts, which Jones possesses. The only real video he watches before games is one about the opposing team’s cheerleaders. It’s probably in Jones’ best interest that the Jaguars and Steelers don’t play this season. I would fear for his safety going up against someone like Porter. Imagine this. Jones lines up, Porter walks toward him, and right as the play is about the start, Porter blows him a kiss. The play continues, and Jones catches the ball after a 3-yard slant over the middle, where he’s met by Porter. And it’s not just a tackle, but Porter levels Jones so hard that Jones’ helmet comes off. Porter, still lying on top of Jones, blows in his ear. He then helps up Jones and gives him a tap on the tushee. Play over. Yucky. If Porter can’t keep Jones out of his head when they’re not playing, how much would he think about the wide receiver in the days leading up to a meeting on the football field? Porter would have Myra Monkhouse levels of obsession. If anything, Jones should be commended for calling out Porter for making such a crazy argument. We should further praise Jones for doing so in such a grown-up fashion. And I mean by using words instead of physical action. It was probably hard for Jones to hold back when he heard Porter talking about him, but he really took the high road here. It takes a special type of man to divert attention from his cocaine use with the old, ‘Hey, that dude is gay’ routine. Porter is nothing more than a bully. Just a word of advice to Jones: Watch your pockets. I’d hate to think what Porter could do if he got one of his hands in there. He might mess around and steal some lunch money. Or even worse, coke money.