Finals stress? Here’s some tips for studying success

It’s not a secret that I’m one of the bigger celebrities on campus. While my fame sometimes… It’s not a secret that I’m one of the bigger celebrities on campus. While my fame sometimes imposes on my love life ‘mdash; most ladies are too intimidated by my grandeur and gravitas ‘mdash; it’s something I have to accept reluctantly. Like Superman, however, I have vowed to use my power only for good.’ I will never use my talents to influence your stances subtly on truly important issues, mostly because I’m ignorant on the truly important issues. But with this ignorance comes an unshakable confidence in my own infallibility as well as an uncluttered mind, which is why so many of you come to me for advice every day. When one scared individual asked me, ‘Ravi, with finals and papers and projects coming up, however shall I get it all done?’ I immediately came up with several easy ways to carry through the soul-crushing experience that is the end of the semester and maybe, just maybe, kick some academic ass while doing it. 1. Highlight every word you read. Some critics argue that highlighting ought to be done judiciously to, you know, highlight relevant information. Once again, the critics emerge as idiots. It’s a proven fact that draining all your highlighter ink on a single page allows you to remember everything that is on it. Plus, your squeaky highlighter provides the perfect background noise for everyone else annoyed by silence in the library. Bonus: If you stare at the hot pink long enough, you might go blind and be excused from your psych final. 2. Run in front of cars when crossing the street. Your time during the dwindling days of the semester is crucial, and you shouldn’t let a ton or two of hurtling metal get between your academic exile at Hillman and that cup of coffee at 7-11. While there is safety in invading Forbes Avenue in numbers, why wait for a crowd to organize? Heck, why even look both ways? You’ll probably make it if you run quickly enough. Bonus: Nothing says, ‘I couldn’t finish my programming assignment’ like a new prosthetic arm. 3. Print an entire semester’s worth of material at once. Because you can’t highlight a computer monitor, you must absolutely print out every document your professor posted on CourseWeb. God gave you 900 printouts a semester for a reason, so go ahead and print one page per PowerPoint slide. Yeah, you could have printed judiciously throughout the semester, but isn’t it fun watching the printer guy run back and forth with stacks of colored paper that bear your username? It’s like having your own private helper monkey. In addition, your fellow students will thank you for giving them a study break as they wait 40 minutes for their term papers to print out. Bonus: Trees grow back. 4. Brag about your all-nighters. Seeing who stayed up longer or who drank more Red Bull is really the only way to measure your academic performance. Let’s face it, you have more obligations than just schoolwork: You have jobs, clubs and promises to friends. There’s no quicker way to dump those responsibilities than angrily recounting exactly how many hours you were up last night. It’s also a great way to demoralize students who managed their time. They’ll be incapacitated by jealousy of your endurance. Bonus: Also a great reason to be mean to your friends. 5. Blame everything on your professors. You just couldn’t understand them sometimes, and it’s not your fault there isn’t a highly extensive inter-network computer web of some sort, or some bound collection of pages on a subject where you could look stuff up on your own. Feel confident in the knowledge that sitting in the back of the lecture hall is honestly the best effort you could have put forth. Bonus: Office hours are a mythological construct. 6. Read my column. Because greatness is, in fact, contagious. Bonus: It’s my column. If you can’t wait for him to save your semester in person, you can e-mail your words of gratitude to Ravi at rrp10@pitt.edu.