A Pacman Jones movie? This thing could be epic

Perhaps you’ve seen ads for Oliver Stone’s new film, ‘W,’ which is based on the life of… Perhaps you’ve seen ads for Oliver Stone’s new film, ‘W,’ which is based on the life of President George W. Bush. It seems odd to me that he couldn’t wait until the end of Bush’s presidency to make the movie. It involves Bush’s life until just about the end of his first term as president, but if Stone would’ve waited a few more months, he could’ve had the movie go through the entire presidency. Or he could’ve just attempted to predict the future and make stuff up. Because of this film, I started thinking about what athletes are worthy of a biopic before they retire. So now, my friends, I bring you my idea for a movie about Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones. We open in a strip club, naked ladies surrounding Pacman and his entourage. He’s intermittently taking swigs of champagne and making it rain. It’s February of 2007, and Pacman is in Las Vegas for the NBA’s All-Star Weekend. The only thing outnumbering exposed ladies are dollar bills, which have been flying through each shot of the scene. It’s like we’re in a money chamber that doesn’t turn off. The strippers start picking up the money, and the club promoter starts collecting money in a trash bag. He walks out of the club, while on the inside, pandemonium breaks out. Pacman is mad that people are taking his money, and his entourage starts a fight. One member of his entourage, a woman, starts fighting with a stripper, and when a security guard tries to break it off, she breaks a champagne bottle over his head and bites his ankle. Meanwhile, the rest of Pacman’s entourage has gone outside. We cut to them, yelling at the club promoter to stop walking away, but he doesn’t. Gunshots. We fade out, and now Pacman is on the field of an empty stadium. He is tossing a football a few yards and running and catching it. While the ball is in the air, a ghost in a white jersey, with ‘P. Jones’ written on back, chases Pacman. He can’t outrun it. It catches him, knocking him to the ground. Now we’re in NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office. He’s sitting, petting a cat with his metal hand. He’s running down a greatest hits list of Jones’ past run-ins with the law: assault and vandalism charges from a 2005 nightclub altercation, marijuana possession in Fayetteville, Ga., in 2006, disorderly conduct and public intoxication in 2006 at a club in Murfreesboro, Tenn., punching a woman at a strip club in 2008 and later in 2008, getting into a fight with his own bodyguards. At this point Goodell tells Jones he is suspending the now-Cowboy for the second half of the 2008-09 season. Jones vows to clean up his life and swears he’ll be back next season. Montage of Jones helping to build houses, rescue babies stuck in trees and reach down a kitten’s throat to get rid of a fur ball. Cut back to Jones in the empty football stadium. This time the ghost, in a blue jersey with ‘P. Jones’ on the back has the football and Jones is chasing it. He reaches the ghost, dives to tackle it, and mid-tackle we cut to Jones making a tackle on opening day of the 2009-2010 NFL season. He ends up returning a punt in overtime for the win, and everyone on the team is really happy for him. To celebrate Jones goes to a club, ends up lighting the bar on fire and is suspended the rest of the season, as well as the next year. We once again return to the empty stadium. Jones is running away from the ghost, but this time it catches up to him and tackles him. We hear the noise that plays when Pacman is caught by a ghost. Cut to the Super Bowl in 2012. Jones and Michael Vick have led the Kansas City Chiefs to victory over the San Francisco 49ers. For the first time in years, nobody is going to Disney Land, because Disney wants nothing to do with Jones or Vick. Later that night Jones is out celebrating. He has a little too much to drink and ends up stealing a giraffe, but only so he could bring it on a rooftop so he could steal a zeppelin mid-flight. He is then kicked out of the NFL for good. Nobody hears from him until 2015. It’s that year when he resurfaces wearing a red bow and as starting quarterback for the St. Louis Ewes of the WNFL. After winning the MVP of the league, his red bow falls off during a press conference and everyone realizes it’s him. He’s then sued for sexual harassment after spending all season helping his teammates put on their chest pads before games. We cut to Jones waking up in bed. It’s 2005, and everything was just a bad dream. Just kidding. That all happens. He ends up coaching Pop Warner football, builds up his reputation as a good coach and works his way up until he’s coaching at his alma mater: West Virginia University. Stone can make his movie about Bush’s daddy issues if he wants. But just wait until the unleashing of this four-hour epic. The only thing that still needs to be decided is what the better conspiracy theory is: Jones is a robot built in a lab by Leonard Little in an effort to make himself look better, or Jones is actually a scientist working on a study of just how much a professional athlete can get away with?