McCain comes back from the dead

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Halloween is the season of pumpkins, candy, costumes and, best of all, horror… ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Halloween is the season of pumpkins, candy, costumes and, best of all, horror stories. In light of this tradition, I submit to you the partially, but not really, true tale of, ‘John McCain and the Politician Sematary.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Once upon a time, in a faraway land called Washington, there was young senator named John McCain. In 1987, after serving just two years in the U.S. House of Representatives, McCain began his senatorial career. And things, for the most part (minus that pesky Keating Five scandal), were going just dandy. ‘ ‘ ‘ You see, McCain was a fun guy, a jokester. People liked his spirit. Though he was an elected Republican, McCain wasn’t afraid to choose positions unpopular with his party or join strong bipartisan efforts for change, for example his coalition with Sen. Russ Feingold, D-Wis., to implement campaign finance reform. One might even call him, dare I say it, a maverick. ‘ ‘ ‘ Though the McCain-Feingold Reform Act was perhaps McCain’s No. 1 achievement, he championed other unpopular issues, like curbing pork barrel spending, climate change and anti-tobacco industry legislation ‘ ‘ ‘ Fastforward to 2008. It’s been more than 20 years since our favorite maverick was first elected to the Senate, and things are going pretty well. McCain just received the Republican nomination for the 2008 presidential election. He’s got a pen, a lapel pin, a platform prepared to solve the energy crisis, the housing crisis, the health care crisis and more, all the while naively assuming that he could do away with partisanship and unite the country. ‘ ‘ ‘ But then, one day, something terrible happened. Not many know this ‘mdash; according to my illegitimate sources, it was carefully concealed by a powerful group of senators who I will not name ‘mdash; but McCain was involved in a freak drift-racing accident. ‘ ‘ ‘ It was a dark, gloomy day, and poor McCain just wanted to test-run wife Cindy McCain’s prized drift car. He had often admired it from afar, but she had never let him drive it, because he could be a clumsy one, that McCain. Apparently, rightfully so. The details of the crash are not important, only its tragic outcome: McCain did not survive. ‘ ‘ ‘ As you can imagine, the Republican Party leaders were in quite a tizzy. Who could they replace him with? Mitt Romney? Nay. Huckabee? No, no. People got over the whole weight-loss/guitar thing a while ago. It had to be McCain, and now, everything was ruined. ‘ ‘ ‘ Or was it? ‘ ‘ ‘ You see, the Senate had a secret. A terrible, treacherous secret. Hidden several dozen feet below the Library of Congress is an ancient cemetery. According to senatorial legend, this cemetery has a great power: It can bring politicians back from the dead. ‘ ‘ ‘ However, the cemetery is greatly feared, because though it has the power to revive the dead, those who return are somehow different, changed … evil. ‘ ‘ ‘ It is called, the ‘Politician Sematary’ (Senators are notoriously bad spellers). ‘ ‘ ‘ After several failed resurrections (See: Albert B. Fall, Teapot Dome Scandal), the decision was made to hide the cemetery and to never use it again. The entrance was then strategically tucked behind a biography of Rutherford B. Hayes, a book that the senators wisely assumed would otherwise never be touched. ‘ ‘ ‘ That is, until this summer. ‘ ‘ ‘ The night of McCain’s tragic accident a small band of senators ‘mdash; the last remaining who knew the terrible truth about the cemetery ‘mdash; met and agreed to revive McCain. ‘ ‘ ‘ The senators had hoped that maybe this time, things would be different. That their old pal John would come back, same as ever, ready and waiting to play a round of golf just like old times.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ But the senators were wrong. ‘ ‘ ‘ McCain returned, but not as the principled, steadfast man he had once been, but as something different, something more manipulative. ‘ ‘ ‘ At first it was just little things that had changed. McCain’s once lively eyes had become dull, his skin withered. ‘ ‘ ‘ He would grit his teeth and flex his fingers menacingly at debates and media events.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Then there were bigger changes. McCain, who had always championed consistency and standing by one’s opinions, even if unpopular, began to change his policies. Soon McCain was changing his opinions on everything from Roe v. Wade to tax cuts to regulation of Wall Street, even his own campaign finance reform legislation. ‘ ‘ ‘ Not only did this new McCain change in attitudes, but in behavior as well. McCain, who had earlier denounced mudslinging and negative campaigning, began antagonizing Sen. Barack Obama in his commercials, pamphlets and speeches more than promoting himself. ‘ ‘ ‘ While it’s unclear how this particular horror story will end, one would hope that the senators who reopened the Politician Sematary would learn their lesson once and for all. Write your own ending to Molly at mog4@pitt.edu.