With New Kids on the Block back, which boys are next?

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Back in 1999, when pop music was hotter than the sun, a charming trio of… ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Back in 1999, when pop music was hotter than the sun, a charming trio of young gents called LFO sang, ‘New Kids on the Block, had a bunch of hits, / Chinese food makes me sick. / And I think it’s fly when girls stop by in the summer, in the summer.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ And so it would be for nearly a decade that the New Kids on the Block would be relegated to a catchy song by a crappy band. By 1999, the members of New Kids on the Block were no longer children. They were men ‘mdash; men who had long left the fame and glory of their young adulthoods for sadly unsuccessful careers. ‘ ‘ ‘ Yes, the same dashing boys who rocked us in the late ’80s and early ’90s with hits like ‘Hangin’ Tough’ and ‘You Got It (The Right Stuff)’ and made all the young girlies drop their BabyGap panties had fallen to the wayside. ‘ ‘ ‘ Within 10 years of the band dissolving in 1994, Joey McIntyre was playing bit parts on TV shows and appearing on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ Danny Wood was featured on an MTV show called ‘Totally Boyband’ and released albums under the name D-Fuse that only his mother bought … to use as a coaster. Jordan McKnight showed up on VH1’s ‘Surreal Life’ and looked like an idiot. Donnie Wahlberg was doing all right, flashing some skin in ‘The Sixth Sense,’ but his relative success was overshadowed by Jonathan McKnight’s new career selling real estate. ‘ ‘ ‘ The dream, my friends, was gone. ‘ ‘ ‘ But like a pop-music Jesus, like a phoenix rising from its ashes, New Kids on the Block have once again risen to restore order to the land ‘mdash; on Sept. 8, the reunited Old Men (average age: 38) released their first album in 14 years, called The Block. The record sold 100,000 copies in its first week, proving that the group’s original fans, who have finally reached puberty, haven’t forgotten their favorite boys. ‘ ‘ ‘ And now the door is wide open for other forgotten boy bands to reunite and rock the world with their hot, new sound. Who will it be? The Backstreet Boys? *NSYNC? No, no, no. That’d be too predictable. So that we may all create petitions to pass around campus and then send them, filled with thousands of signatures, to each respective band, I’ve compiled a list of the boy bands that the world needs most. Here we go. ‘ ‘ ‘ 1. soulDecision. Sure, these guys only had one good song. But you know what, damn it, that song was great. The tune was called ‘Faded’ and it was catchier than anything ‘mdash; anything ‘mdash; that New Kids on the Block ever squeaked out. This Canadian trio not only played its own instruments, but also had some real edge. Just check the lyrics: ‘When I get you all alone, I’m gonna take off all your clothes. / Ain’t nobody gonna interrupt my game, oh no.’ I guess those northerners gotta stay warm somehow. ‘ ‘ ‘ 2. O-Town. I’ll be honest, O-Town was more artificial than a test-tube baby. But if you can tell me that ‘All Or Nothing’ doesn’t make you want to go to a middle school on a Friday night, grab a girl at arms length and awkwardly sway back and forth, tell your buddies, ‘That dance was so hot! Oh, no, my mom’s here to pick me up!’ then your childhood was seriously lacking. Plus, they had the, um, balls to write a song about ‘Liquid Dreams.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ 3. 5ive. Five bad boys with the power to rock you, indeed, as this British quintet sang in 1998. With two major hits, ‘When the Lights Go Out’ and ‘Slam Dunk (Da Funk)’ on their debut ‘mdash; which was released by a pre-American Idol Simon Cowell ‘mdash; these boys posed the question wondered by so many and asked by so few: ‘Do you wanna get freak-ay?’ Four members of 5ive actually did attempt to reunite in 2006, but then broke up again when, sigh, they couldn’t get a record deal. Lights out. ‘ ‘ ‘ 4. 2Gether. Boy band stories don’t get funnier, and more heartbreaking, then that of this group of young ragamuffins. Originally brought together as a fictional boy band for an MTV show, the quintet (including Chris Farley’s younger brother) took off beyond everyone’s expectation with blockbuster hits like ‘U + Me = Us,’ ‘Say It (Don’t Spray It)’ and ‘Rub One Out.’ Unfortunately for both MTV execs and screaming fans all over the world, in the heat of 2Gether’s rise to superstardom (they opened for Britney Spears!), 16-year-old Michael Cuccione died. His eulogy was given by David Hasselhoff. And that was the end of 2Gether. ‘ ‘ ‘ So there you have it ‘mdash; the four most in-demand defunct boy bands. Are they talented? Well, no, not really. Were they particularly good at dancing? Again, no. But there’s something about rooting for the underdog, especially when that underdog wants to get freak-ay.