Finally … Lance is back

Have you heard the great news? Lance Armstrong recently announced he’s coming out of retirement… Have you heard the great news? Lance Armstrong recently announced he’s coming out of retirement and will race in the Tour de France next summer! I’ll let that marinate in your mind for a little bit and allow you time to stop jumping up and down and shrieking. OK, you good now? It was a nice feeling though, right? In an interview with Vanity Fair, a world-renowned fashion and cycling magazine, Armstrong said, ‘I’m going back to professional cycling. I’m going to try and win an eighth Tour de France.’ If you didn’t already know, Armstrong won every Tour de France from 1999 through 2005 and then retired. I’m pretty sure there’s at least one question about that on the U.S. citizenship test, just in case you ever have to take it. Not to cheat, but if you have test form B, the answer is D. This all came after he survived a bout with testicular cancer in 1996. He also dated Sheryl Crow, which probably won’t be on the citizenship test, but if People Magazine happens to e-mail you a quiz, now you know. The guy is like Superman, but without a weakness and need for an alter ego. Next summer Armstrong will be 37. The Tour de France, or Le Tour de France in the native tongue of the host country, is a 23-day race, covering more than 2,000 miles. It also apparently doesn’t allow cyclists to use steroids anymore. So not only is finishing it an accomplishment, but watching it is pretty impressive as well. Should Armstrong win, he would be the oldest Tour de France champion ever. The current record is held by Belgium’s Firmin Lambot, who won the race at age 36. That was in 1922. This news couldn’t have come at a better time. The Olympics are over, and Shaquille O’Neal announced he’s retiring in a little more than 700 days. Tiger Woods is injured and hasn’t played golf in a few months, and he won’t be back until next year. Tom Brady is also out for the season. And just this past weekend, Charlie Weis tore his left ACL and MCL.’ A few bum knees and now we’re looking at the American sports equivalent of the Great Depression. We need something to unite the country. The Brady injury came close, but you don’t want to unite the country through one guy’s injury, do you? Well, maybe if it was Curt Schilling, specifically (something in the jaw region), that might do it.’ America needs one athlete it could rally behind, and who better than Lance Armstrong? The guy stands for all America loves. He survived cancer, came into the Tour de France as an underdog because of said cancer and then won it. And he kept winning it until they named the bicycle after him (it hasn’t been announced yet ‘mdash; just don’t tell anyone I told you). To top it off, he dated a rock star. If there’s one thing America loves, it’s a great underdog story. And if there’s one thing the country loves even more, it’s complete and utter domination, specifically when it comes to contests against competitors from all over the world. Still not amped up about this? He’s also friends with Matthew McConaughey, the guy who made, well, never mind. Imagine if Armstrong won the race while McConaughey rode in a basket on the front of the bike, waving an American flag the whole race. I know there’s this big election coming up in November and the race isn’t until next year, but I think we should all just take a little bit of time each day to think about him. Not a lot of time, but just for like two hours, sit and thank Armstrong for gracing this country with his supreme cycling skills once again. If you have an Armstrong poster, maybe sit facing it. It’s easy for me because I put one up on every wall in my room. I also wear yellow when I thank him. Just to note, I’ve been doing this daily since he won his fourth Tour de Force on July 28, 2002, as a way to show him respect for all he’s done for my faith in American athletics. If we all send him positive vibes, there’s no reason he can’t win his eighth next summer. Then again, he’s such a superior human being that he doesn’t need any help winning. Not like those other fools, who thought they could dope their way to the title. Who won the Tour de France during any of the years since Armstrong retired? I’m not even sure they held the race since he’s been gone. If they did, it didn’t matter. Congrats to whoever won in those years and all, but just know, your reign is over. It’s not even fair that Armstrong is going to race again this year. To even the playing field, let all those guys take steroids. Or make Armstrong race on a unicycle. Blindfolded. Make Armstrong start in America. If there’s one guy who can bike the Atlantic, it’s Lance Armstrong. There’s no doubt in my mind he could still win it. He beat cancer. And while not as impressive, but quite close, he made Americans pretend to care about cycling for seven years.