Attention rock stars: Do not board that plane!

‘ ‘ ‘ If we’ve learned anything from history, it’s that rock stars should not pilot planes. ‘… ‘ ‘ ‘ If we’ve learned anything from history, it’s that rock stars should not pilot planes. ‘ ‘ ‘ Make huge audiences shimmy and shake? Yeah, they can do that. Consume copius amounts of drugs and write weird freak-out jams? Yeah, that’s fine too. But they should not, under any circumstances, pilot a plane. Ever. ‘ ‘ ‘ And the reason is simple: Rock stars who pilot their own planes, or even ride in their own planes with hired pilots, tend to die. ‘ ‘ ‘ This trend, which hadn’t been revived in quite a few years, was recently brought back from the dead last Friday, when a small airplane, with passengers Travis Barker (formerly of blink-182 and reality TV fame) and DJ AM (ex-Nicole Richie fiance and ex-member of Crazy Town) skidded off the runway and smashed into light towers in Columbia, S.C. The plane quickly caught fire before anyone made it out, resulting in the tragic deaths of Barker’s assistant Chris Baker, his security guard Charles Still and the plane’s two pilots, Sarah Lemmon and James Bland. ‘ ‘ ‘ The crash came only hours after Barker and DJ AM performed a free show to 10,000-plus fans. ‘ ‘ ‘ Both musicians made it out alive, with Barker sustaining second- and third-degree burns over much of his lower body, and DJ AM suffering facial burns. ‘ ‘ ‘ As shocking as a tragedy of this magnitude is, it’s far from the first time a rock-related plane crash has taken lives. ‘ ‘ ‘ In 2001, R’amp;B chanteuse Aaliyah was killed when her plane crashed over the Bahamas. John Denver left on a jet plane in 1997 off the coast of California. Ozzy Osbourne guitarist Randy Rhoads was only 25 when his plane crashed ‘mdash; after attempting to actually touch down on the band’s tour bus. Guitar virtuoso Stevie Ray Vaughn (Rolling Stone’s seventh-ranked best guitarist of all time) died in 1990 when his helicopter hit a ski slope. ‘ ‘ ‘ Perhaps the two most famous plane crashes, however, are The Day the Music Died and The Day Lynyrd Skynyrd Died (You mean that the band playing at PNC Park last Saturday after the Pirates game wasn’t the real deal? You better believe it.). ‘ ‘ ‘ The inspiration for Don McLean’s ‘American Pie,’ the plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. ‘The Big Bopper’ Richardson has become a thing of rock’n’roll myth since it happened in February of 1959. Reportedly, Holly’s bandmates (including future star Waylon Jennings) lost their seats on the plane to Valens and Richardson on a coin toss. Talk about bad luck. ‘ ‘ ‘ Also now a rock’n’roll legend is the crash of Lynyrd Skynyrd in 1977. Frontman Ronnie Van Zant, guitarist Steve Gaines and singer Cassie Gaines all lost their lives when the band’s plane ran out of gas and crashed into a Mississippi swamp. Drummer Artimus Pyle survived and ran almost a mile to the nearest sign of civilization ‘mdash; when he finally found a farmhouse, the sight of his tattered, bloody body spooked the farmer, who shot him with a shotgun. What a good Samaritan. ‘ ‘ ‘ So what can we possibly learn from the awful string of rock star mishaps in the air? Well, for one, it’s time to go back to tour buses. Exclusively. I don’t care if you’re Kanye or Kansas, and I don’t care if your next show is a city away or across the country, hop on a tour bus and go out on tour. You can justify the gas money with the fact that you are still alive. ‘ ‘ ‘ Plus, the exclusive use of tour buses will create a more, shall we say, ‘Almost Famous’ atmosphere in the rock scene. Equip everyone with the full Elton John catalogue, cue up ‘Tiny Dancer’ and let the good times roll. ‘ ‘ ‘ Then, with more big names on the ground sweating gas prices, the rock world’s biggest artists will band together for the first ever Gas Aid, a concert in which artists all over the world perform to persuade oil companies to lower gas prices while playing their biggest hits. Coldplay will totally be there, and the whole thing’ll be hosted by Lil Wayne. Sounds like a party, right? ‘ ‘ ‘ Will any of this really happen? No. Absolutely not. But, please, I’m begging you, rock stars, don’t get on that plane. All of us down here in Normal Land like rock’n’roll too much to see you go.