‘Bangkok’: Cage’s greatest or dumbest flick yet?

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Bangkok Dangerous.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Just take a second with that one. Breathe it in. Savor it…. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘Bangkok Dangerous.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Just take a second with that one. Breathe it in. Savor it. Nonsensical? Maybe. Silly? Oh, yes. ‘ ‘ ‘ That’s the No. 1 movie in the country. ‘ ‘ ‘ This weekend was the slowest the industry has seen in almost seven years, and still, the few people who went to the theater chose ‘Bangkok Dangerous,’ a movie that likely got its title after a round of drunken Mad Libs. Thank God for Fandango ‘mdash; I can’t imagine any self-respecting moviegoer saying this title aloud at the box office and not laughing. Or weeping. ‘ ‘ ‘ But then, how could you resist? After all, there are just so many things ‘Bangkok Dangerous’ could be. ‘ ‘ ‘ The marketing is cryptic but not the cool: not the ‘Oh man, what does the ‘Cloverfield’ monster look like already’ kind, but more like the ‘Why is that poster of Nicolas Cage STARING AT ME’ kind. The icy gaze of his flawless blue-steel glare begs you to find out more. ‘ ‘ ‘ The trailer, though, is almost equally difficult to interpret. Here are the facts: Nicolas Cage is a hitman, but he doesn’t hit a man and soon some hitmen put out a hit on him ‘hellip; man. Bangkok, apparently, is a dangerous place. At least, that’s what I understand from the many scenes of Cage running, firing guns, dodging bullets and various combinations of the three. ‘ ‘ ‘ Why did so many people ‘mdash; relatively speaking, at least ‘mdash; decide that this was worth seeing? I blame Cage’s peak physical condition. After all, the marketing shows him doing a lot of what he does best ‘mdash; running. And if his resume is any indication, the man is a mean runner. ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘The Wicker Man,’ ‘Face/Off,’ ‘Gone in 60 Seconds,’ ‘National Treasure,’ the list goes on ‘mdash; most of his movies feature Cage running his ass off. He ran through the airport in ‘The Family Man.’ He even outran an explosion in ‘Con Air,’ a feat typically reserved for the likes of James Bond and Ethan Hunt. ‘ ‘ ‘ Although Cage might be able to outrun the laws of physics, it would be unfair to ignore another key factor to the success of ‘Bangkok Dangerous’ ‘mdash; the ‘remake of an Asian cinema crime movie’ factor. ‘ ‘ ‘ Compare the movie to a close relative in spirit, if not in quality: ‘The Departed.’ A remake of the Hong Kong thriller ‘Infernal Affairs,’ ‘The Departed’ won critical acclaim and big awards. Why not emulate that formula? So we start with the source movie ‘mdash; in this case, an action film about a hitman on the run. ‘ ‘ ‘ Now, we know Martin Scorsese had a lot of luck changing the title of his movie, but let’s not get carried away ‘mdash; after all, who wouldn’t want to see a movie called ‘Bangkok Dangerous?’ ‘ ‘ ‘ Second step, get an Oscar-winning cast whose talents suit the parts. As we’ve already established, Nicolas Cage is the best runner in the industry. ‘ ‘ ‘ Last step, go on to win over the critics. ‘Bangkok,’ you screwed up here ‘mdash; for reasons unknown (no, honest), the studio didn’t want critics to see this one in advance. Must not have wanted to spoil the excitement, I suppose. ‘ ‘ ‘ And yet, without the glowing response of film critics, ‘Bangkok Dangerous’ has gone on to win the weekend, thanks to a stupid name, a star that can run like Forrest Gump and a formula for success that vaguely resembles a ‘Best Picture’ winner. ‘ ‘ ‘ Or maybe it’s because ‘Bangkok Dangerous’ was the only new movie to open this weekend. Who knows?