Vin Diesel’s career could use a ‘4 Fast 4 Furious’ boost

‘ ‘ ‘ Forget the energy crisis ‘mdash; Hollywood will soon be purely Diesel-powered! ‘ ‘ ‘ … ‘ ‘ ‘ Forget the energy crisis ‘mdash; Hollywood will soon be purely Diesel-powered! ‘ ‘ ‘ Last week saw the debut of the trailer for ‘Fast and Furious,’ the third sequel in what might be the most ridiculous movie franchise of the past 10 years. More importantly, it marks Vin Diesel’s return to the NOS-boosting, Tokyo-drifting antics that made him an A-list action star for about half an hour, before he threw it all away. ‘ ‘ ‘ Where you been, Vin? We missed you. ‘ ‘ ‘ Remember the times we had together? Like when you popped a wheelie in your 1970 Dodge Charger before planting it in the engine block of a semi-truck. Or that time in ‘xXx,’ when you dodged bullets while grinding down a banister on a serving tray. That was awesome. ‘ ‘ ‘ But then, Vin Diesel, you ruined it. You threw it away for a shot at credibility, and look where it got you ‘mdash; you try to be a serious actor, and you end up with ‘A Man Apart’ and ‘Find Me Guilty’ (does anyone even remember those?). You have to embrace the ridiculousness that made your career, not run from it. Just look at Chuck Norris. If you’re not careful, you might get stuck playing a muscular nanny in a Disney movie. ‘ ‘ ‘ But don’t worry, Vin! You have a second chance! Luckily for us fans of the ‘deez, Hollywood is giving our bald knight another shot at mediocrity. First we have this weekend’s ‘Babylon A.D.,’ in which his character is named ‘Hugo Cornelius Toorop.’ Enough said. ‘ ‘ ‘ Then, of course, it’s on to the fourth incarnation of ‘Fast and Furious,’ which continues the pattern of these movie titles getting exponentially sillier (though ‘The Fast and the Furious’ would have really raised the bar). This should be it, the coup de grace that finally destroys any shred of dignity left in Diesel’s resume. ‘ ‘ ‘ Don’t get me wrong ‘mdash; I want nothing but success for big Vin. But people don’t see his movies for any reason but to see him (or a CGI model of him) running from explosions and getting totally exXxtreme. His next movie should feature him and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, playing each other, fighting terrorists in Hollywood. The climax will feature Vin and The Rock jumping over the Hollywood sign on rocket snowboards as it explodes. ‘ ‘ ‘ That’s the only recourse left for the pasty giant at this point. In a recent interview with MTV, Diesel said that two new ‘Chronicles of Riddick’ movies are in development, which brings the total of unnecessary ‘Pitch Black’ sequels to four. Whether these movies are relevant, their existence alone is a good sign ‘mdash; Diesel might be embracing his own awfulness. ‘ ‘ ‘ It’s a big step for him. The burden of the silly action star is a big one, and it takes a special kind of actor to step back, take a good hard look at himself and say, ‘Yeah, I’m kinda lame.’ Keanu Reeves did ‘Point Break,’ which was pretty much ‘Fast and the Furious’ with surfing. And he does some serious things, too, and that’s fine ‘mdash; but it hasn’t stopped him from going over the top with movies like ‘Speed’ or ‘Constantine.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ So here’s what you do, Vin. Get back to your roots. ‘4 Fast 4 Furious’ is the perfect example. Now get Hollywood to make another ‘xXx’ movie, preferably about Triple-X on a mission to rescue an elite squad of rollerblading spies. ‘ ‘ ‘ Keep it up with the Riddick movies, too, but crank up the heat a little ‘mdash; maybe in one of these sequels, Riddick will finally bang Judi Dench? ‘ ‘ ‘ And of course, don’t turn your back on ‘Fast and the Furious’ like you did when you snubbed the first sequel. Ride that wave as long as you can ‘mdash; I want to be taking my grandkids to see ‘F45T and the Furious,’ the one about illegal electric wheelchair racing in the halls of the nursing home.