‘I’m just playing so I won’t get fined:’ Super Bowl predictions

I’ve never been good at traditional predictions — you know, the probable winner and the score and all that basic stuff. But I did predict before the World Cup that Luis Suarez would bite somebody, which gives me the credibility and the confidence to make some more bold guesses as to what will happen at this Sunday’s Super Bowl. So here are a few quick and random picks of what I think will happen in the Super Bowl on Sunday.

Richard Sherman Will Get Burned

And burned badly. Not necessarily for a touchdown, but at least for a big gain — I’ll say 40 plus yards — that helps to set up a New England Patriots touchdown. You know the old expression about getting burned when you fly too close to the sun? Well, in this instance, Sherman’s ego is the flying object and Tom Brady is the sun.

I scoff at a self-respecting man wearing Ugg boots as much as the next guy, but there’s no denying Brady’s exceptional abilities, especially in high-pressure situations. So, consequently, “cooler heads will prevail,” and other clichés.

Marshawn Lynch Will Be Special, On and Off the Field

If I were in charge of chiseling a Mount Rushmore of sports media darlings, Marshawn Lynch’s recent endeavors would make him the unanimous number one pick. (For those that are interested, Randy Moss, Manny Ramirez and Dennis Rodman would complete the structure.) Saying “thanks for asking” to every single question asked of you at Super Bowl’s Media Day was entertaining, but also a genius protest of the rule that players must make themselves available to the media. At Tuesday’s media day, Lynch dodged the impending $500,000 fine with which the league used to make him talk.

“I’m here so I won’t get fined,” or some variation of that expression, was his answer to every question.

Personally, I think that Lynch is just so focused on upcoming games that he doesn’t want any distractions beforehand. Therefore, after Sunday’s game, Lynch will unleash an hour-long soliloquy on the media that answers any and all questions from their wildest dreams.

Bill Belichick Will Smile

I’m joking, of course.

A New Patriots “Scandal” Will Unfold

They’ve spied. They’ve deflated. They’ve been every kind of villain the NFL fears. Personally, I think “Deflategate” was just a precursor to something much greater. So, the question remains: what will the Patriots do next? Maybe they’ll run a bunch of formations with only nine guys on the field. Someone is bound to claim this is an advantage for them. Maybe Julian Edelman will wear titanium-tipped cleats and set the world on fire. 

It’s cold in New England during football season. The Patriots have become comfortable playing in this weather. It will not be cold in the University of Phoenix Stadium in Arizona on Sunday. While officials are busy monitoring the Patriots’ ball bag to make sure each is of sufficient weight (let’s all be adults here), the team will send a hired team of professionals to the stadium’s underbelly, where they’ll pay off security with donuts (because how else do you pay off security guards?) and crank up the air conditioning.

This will cause temperatures in the building to plummet, giving the Patriots an advantage.

As soon as this happens, officials will be forced to investigate. But you can only have so many officials on hand, so the “Official Ball Guarders” will become the “Official Heat Inspectors” and abandon their posts by the ball bags. Tight end Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski will then spike the balls with superhuman strength, deflating them and giving the Patriots a double advantage.

The media will call it HeaterSmashDistractionDonutGronkSpikeGate.

Oh, yeah. I need a score prediction. Uh… Patriots 31, Seahawks 21.