Golf offers escape from ‘real world’

So, I heard my dad talking about this place called ‘the real world.’ Apparently it’s the place… So, I heard my dad talking about this place called ‘the real world.’ Apparently it’s the place where people go after college ‘mdash; the place where people get full-time jobs, mortgages, 401(k)s and health insurance. Ever heard of it? Well, I have. And I’m not going to lie to you guys: It doesn’t sound fun. Finding a job is hard. Applications, interviews and paperwork are about as much fun as being dropped into a pool with a dozen hungry otters. Angry, hungry otters. Now a month into my senior year, I’ve been on two job interviews. I went into both thinking I’d gain interview experience and have a great, new outlook on life. I ironed my pants, put on a tie and even showed up on time. And, surprise, surprise, both places offered me second interviews. But here’s the thing. I didn’t like either of them. And there’s no way I’d be able to sit in an office for eight hours a day, for the rest of my life. So this is what I’m going to do. I’ve thought long and hard about how to solve my problems and guarantee happiness the rest of my life. I’ve decided that I’m going to be a professional golfer. I already have the clubs, a good amount of balls and a glove. Not only that, but lately I’m getting a lot better. Last month I beat my dad for the first time. We’ve been playing together since I was 15, and I never really came close. But on the 18th hole, when I made a bogey putt to win by two strokes, I realized my life calling. My parents have always said to do what makes me happy. OK, parents, let’s go down the list. Does work make me happy? No. Long hours? No. Mean boss? No. Hard financial decisions? No. You get the idea. Golf makes me happy. And if I can manage to make it in the top-200 golfers on the PGA Tour, I’ll be set. Shaun Micheel currently ranks 200th on the PGA Tour money list. As the 200th best player on the tour, he’s made $157,828 so far this year. He’s played in only 16 events, meaning he averages about $10,000 per day of work. That’s about $9,984 more than I make per day of work. And that would be nice. But it’s not just about the money. The workday is short when you’re a professional golfer. I can wake up around 8 a.m., skip the shower and head to the course, where I’ll warm up for about an hour. Around 9:30, I’ll step to the tee box. About four hours later, I’ll get in my car and head home. Not bad, huh? There are no mean customers on the golf course. I play faster than most people, so there’s no tight deadline, either. There’s no boss breathing down my neck, and no phone ringing off the hook or e-mails to check. Instead of a computer, I have a scorecard. Instead of a secretary, I have a caddy. Instead of tight pants and a suit jacket, I have loose khakis and a polo shirt. I guess there will be some work involved. It’s called practice. But practice is fun. It’s not like making a presentation for the company CEO or selling insurance door-to-door. My caddy will carry my clubs all the time, and if I’m on the tour, I’ll likely get a sponsorship. That will pay for most of my clothes, my travel and my practice rounds. So far this year, Micheel is averaging a score of 72.9 per round. He’s 39 years old. While I’m probably averaging a 93 or so per round, I’ve been improving my score by about two or three strokes every year. And I’m only 21. That means in two years, I’ll be cracking 90. In five, I’ll be around 78. By the time I’m in my late 20s, I can drive Micheel down to spot 201. I’ll be roaming the local courses, putting for birdie and sporting my SPF-70 suntan lotion. By that point, people with real jobs will be sweating out their quarterly review, hoping to get that bonus and wondering how traffic will be on the way home. And if you’re one of those people, feel free to give me a call. Maybe we can play a round some time.