The ultimate solution for interleague play

If I used calendars and used them correctly, mine would read that it’s now May.

I can’t… If I used calendars and used them correctly, mine would read that it’s now May.

I can’t exactly say I’m all too excited about it, but alas, there’s nothing I can do. It’s during May that one of my least favorite sporting events takes place.

I’m talking about none other than Major League Baseball’s interleague play.

Introduced in 1997, interleague play is when teams from the American League play teams from the National League in, wait for it, the regular season!

Oh, how did baseball go so long without it?

As a youth I knew baseball was missing something. And for the sake of this column, my youth is defined by 1995 and 1996, as those are the first years I remember following baseball. Those years are forever etched in my memory as the Golden Years of my baseball-watching experience.

‘Twas a simpler time, when American League pitchers didn’t have to hold a bat until the World Series. Now, they have to hold bats as early as May, or any time they want to chuck a jaded piece of wood at Mike Piazza.

I’ll admit it, though. When I first heard of interleague play, I was excited.

I was only 9 in 1997, but I felt as though my lifelong dream had already come true.

But wait, you don’t like interleague play, yet it was your lifelong dream?

Well not exactly, concerned reader.

I thought the world would get interleague play, in the most literal form one can think of: competition amongst different leagues, as in the NBA, MLB, NFL and NHL.

I yearned for the day when my favorite athletes would join forces in sports that I didn’t grow to love them for playing.

In my mind, there was absolutely no reason Patrick Ewing and Ken Griffey Jr. shouldn’t at least suit up for the Jets and see what they could do. Keyshawn Johnson skating alongside Mark Messier? I’d even watch Fox’s magical laser hockey puck to see that.

Or what if it was even better.

What if this was “BASEketball” coming to life? That movie wasn’t released until 1998, but it doesn’t matter. This could’ve meant the combining of sports and their respective stars.

The revolution was finally starting. I was alive and about to witness the greatest event in sports: a transformation of sports into sport. A singular word in which there were so many possibilities for entertainment.

Baseball on ice. Football played with basketballs. Horse racing on roller blades. Hot dog eating while running 100 meters and jumping hurdles.

I couldn’t wait.

Sadly, my enthusiasm was wasted.

Interleague play meant something much more boring. It was the World Series without the drama, importance and long sleeves. It’s the All-Star game without the fun and superstar focus.

On the plus side, it more often than not also meant viewing baseball the way it was intended: no Tim McCarver and Joe Buck.

Well, apparently I’m in the minority on this one. Interleague play is popular and usually increases attendance for most franchises playing a team not in its same league.

Perhaps it’s best to come around and try to like it.

Nay, I want to love it. But how?

Well, thank you for asking. I say turn interleague play into an almost circus-like time in Major League Baseball.

Make all right-handed batters bat left-handed, but not vice versa. All left-handed batters can only bunt or check swing when they bat. Switch-hitters have to stand on top of the plate with one foot in each batter’s box and just chop down when a pitch comes.

They can, of course, wear catcher’s gear if they so please. We don’t want to be cruel.

An elephant must be placed in the outfield. If the elephant eats the ball, it’s a ground-rule double, but if it catches it on a fly, then it’s a triple play. If there are any outs in the inning, the inning ends, and the team starts with the remaining outs added onto their next at-bat.

If the elephant is hurt, the batter must also be hurt in roughly the same body part. Yes, it’s about time Hammurabi came to the MLB. It’s only fair. Plus, we don’t want to upset PETA.

If a player makes an error, between innings he must go back to the clubhouse to change and play the rest of the game in a skirt.

Players have to sign autographs for a half hour before every game, but they can only sign another player’s name.

If a fan catches a foul ball or home run without it dropping, the batter is out and the fan gets that player’s salary for the day. This goes for as many times as the player has this happen to him during a given game.

And lastly, a moat. Yes, an oval-shaped moat circling around second base that starts a few feet behind the pitcher’s mound and ends in shallow center field. It should also be about 10 feet to each side of the base.

Listen, baseball, I hate to say it because I’m such a big fan, but it’s either those or I’ll never like interleague play.

Well, unless of course you give me the real interleague play I thought was originally implied.