April Fools’: Ron Paul to run for SGB

Ron Paul, Texas congressman and Republican presidential hopeful, announced yesterday that he… Ron Paul, Texas congressman and Republican presidential hopeful, announced yesterday that he is dropping out of the race for his party’s nomination and will run for the seat of president of Pitt’s Student Government Board.

Paul cited the popularity of some of his socially liberal views among college students as reason for him to launch such a campaign.

“I think it’s time to take a stand against big government in America,” Paul said at a morning press conference in the William Pitt Union. “Pitt is the perfect place to push for real reform in this country.”

Paul has pulled in single digit percentages in all his party’s primary elections so far, but he said that his growing popularity among college-aged voters was a sign that he should take his career in a new direction.

“This is the race I belonged in all along,” he said. “Students may not all understand my plan to dissolve the Federal Reserve Bank, but at least they listen.”

Paul vowed to restore responsible spending to SGB and to work to change policies that he says violate students’ freedoms under the U.S. Constitution.

“My fellow students at the University of Pittsburgh are entitled to a student government under which they retain their right to personal choice and enterprise,” he said.

Paul also announced that he plans to abolish the current system SGB uses to allocate funds to campus organizations.

Currently, SGB decides how much money collected from the student activities fee goes to groups like the Four Square Club, Panthers for Israel and the College Democrats.

Under Paul’s plan, students would receive a full refund of their $80 semesterly fee to spend on any activities they choose.

“Who knows how you want your student activities fee spent better than you?” Paul asked. “If a group of students want to found a new club or travel to a tournament or conference they should be able to do so without interference from SGB.”

In keeping with his belief that the U.S. economy should be backed by precious metals, Paul said he plans to issue the refunds in the form of certificates redeemable on demand for gold bullion.

Lewis Lehe, Pitt junior and known secessionist, said he’s extremely excited about Paul’s campaign.

“I think Congressman Paul knows more about what’s best for college students than college students,” Lehe said. “And I can’t wait until I can settle my debts with the University using sound, dependable specie.”

Freshman Molly Green said she plans to back Paul in the SGB election this fall because of his liberal views on marijuana and other drugs.

“I really appreciate his understanding of the counterproductive nature of the so-called ‘War on Drugs’ in America,” Green said. “He’s way chill.”

The libertarian-leaning congressman has enrolled at Pitt for the fall semester and will take a full load of classes.

Paul is registered for Sociology 0432 Wealth and Power, Political Science 1231 Political Parties and Elections, Economics 0400 Labor and the Economy, History 0688 American Way of War and Physical Education 0239 Step Aerobics 1. Paul was assigned a dorm room in Litchfield Tower A, which will also serve as his official campaign headquarters. “The space is a little cramped, but we’ll make do,” Paul said. “I talked to my roommate on AIM, and he’s bringing an Xbox 360.”