Pets offer numerous perks on campus

People find companionship in many places. Some people make friends with their roommates…. People find companionship in many places. Some people make friends with their roommates. Others join student groups. Many have significant others. A few have Facebook. And while these are the most common places to find comfort, there is another way that many college students have found. Lately, I have seen many students walking furry little balls of joy around campus. These people have discovered the benefits of having pets while in college.

From dogs to cats to the popular pet rock, more and more students are experiencing the joys of owning an animal at school. Animals are fun, lovable, loyal and, if food money gets low, delicious. Pets can be a key way in which students learn responsibility. What better way to learn to appreciate the delicate nature of life? Having a pet means providing food, showing affection and occasionally letting it out of the cellar.

Pet owners come out of college fully equipped to deal with raising children because raising a child is virtually the same as raising an animal. Change its water twice a week, brush its coat, clean the litter box and feed it a snack when it learns to shake hands.

Another benefit to pet ownership comes with the well-known love girls have for anything with large eyes and fur. Young men should consider pet ownership if their luck with the ladies has been in the dumps. With a dog, it no longer matters if I am good-looking or not. It actually doesn’t even matter if the dog is cute or not. Little dogs, for example, are often so hideous they become cute. This is a benefit of most mammals that does not carry over to humans.

But raising a pet is not all sunshine and ladies. Some people might not understand the human-animal relationship. They’ll say, “Why do you have an animal?” or “Why do you let your dog sleep in your bed?” or “Stop laughing, your pet just puked on the floor.” Throughout these trials, it is important to stay positive.

The dreaded landlord might say, “There are no pets allowed in my house.” Most landlords do not appreciate pets in their homes because of the damage they might cause. This is understandable, considering the high quality of most college houses in South Oakland. God forbid a pet ruins something that belongs to the landlord. Bags of garbage are often difficult to replace.

As I said earlier, pets are great tools for scoring points with the ladies. But once said lady becomes a significant other, the game changes. The pet is no longer cute and cuddly. Now it’s just annoying. Significant others might start to complain about how much time is spent with the animal compared to time spent with them.

This becomes a problem. It’s difficult to explain why pets are more fun than girlfriends or boyfriends. The main issue is that, often times, boyfriends and girlfriends are human beings, which means they have the same ability for abstract thinking that we do. This makes it difficult to make them do things with one-word commands like “stay,” “sit” and “roll-over.”

So, which pets are ideal for college students?

Dogs are popular but can be quite exhausting. They are full of energy, they have lots of hair, and they require potty training. It gets worse as the animal increases in size. The larger the dog, the larger the hassle. Do not get a dog if pet dander is a problem or if potty training was a personal struggle.

Cats may be a better choice than dogs, because cats don’t like people. Having a cat is like having a walking piece of furniture. They don’t want anything to do with their owners, so they just sleep and kill birds. They are easy to potty train as well. Do not buy a cat if the desire is to own an animal that needs its owner.

There is a reason that in “Tom and Jerry” the jerk animal was a cat. It’s the same reason that cats thought they were too good for Pepe Le Pew. Just because he was French and smelled badly, they didn’t give him the time of day.

Fish are even easier than cats. Not only do they require zero attention, they can hardly remember that they are fish. There is also little emotional attachment, so when the fish dies in, like, three weeks, a simple flush is all it takes to move on. Sea monkeys also make good pets, as do most aquatic life.

Many people wanted a horse when they were small. College is the best time to get one. They are pretty and practical. Think about how cool campus would be if everyone rode around on horses. School would slowly turn into the Wild West, which is everyone’s favorite time period. Also, they make glue from horses, so you can make a bundle once your horse gets old.

This has been a complete guide in deciding whether to buy a pet while in college.

With everything, responsibility is key. Start with a potted plant and, if it doesn’t die, you might someday be ready for the joy of a pet.

E-mail Josh at jmg77@pitt.edu with pictures of you and your favorite animal. Unicorns preferred.