Gone are the days of sexy sex jams

Great pop songs throughout history have mostly been about two things. I bet you can guess… Great pop songs throughout history have mostly been about two things. I bet you can guess them. No? OK, here’s a hint:

I (blank) you. Let’s have (blank).

Got it? The truth is, love and sex are in the genetic make up of pop music – even the phrase “rock ‘n’ roll” originally came from the music’s ability to make you feel like makin’ love.

As far back as 1922, before the notion of pop music even resembled what we think of today, singer Trixie Smith released a record called “My Man Rocks Me With One Steady Roll.” Scandalous.

Today, almost nine decades later, we’re still fully interested in love and sex to fill up our pop songs.

There have long been a few divisions in such music, for as it happens, some singers just want to sing about sex and some just want to sing about love (probably as a lead-in to sex). And both can be done well – and tastefully to boot. But in the ever-growing attempt to push the boundaries of what is sexy, many artists today just come off sounding, well, laughable.

Let’s take two tunes from way back when that shoot for sexy and fall a bit short as examples. The Beatles, in 1968, released “Why Don’t We Do It In the Road?” on The White Album. Something about Paul McCartney hollering about car sex, though the song is quite badass, is a bit uncouth.

Or take “Afternoon Delight,” the 1976 Starland Vocal Band song. This song is about, as Wikipedia so frankly puts, “Sexual intercourse in the afternoon.” And yet, dare I say, the song does little to put anyone in the mood for anything other than a laugh.

Now, putting most rap music aside, much of pop music today still tries to find ways of saying “I love you” and “Let’s have sex” in creative and new ways. But more and more, these stabs at sex appeal just fail to impress. The particular tune I’m talking about, of course, is Usher’s new “Love in this Club.”

If you’ve yet to hear it, the song features Usher crooning over a shaky, mesmerizing synth line and a slow, thumping beat about, quite simply, making love in this club.

Which club, you ask? Well, if the song is effective, the answer is every club in which the track is played, spawning a new trend of actual copulation on the dance floor. Classy!

Usher defends his penchant for public penetration by singing, “If we close our eyes it could just be me and you.”

While that might seem like a good idea for Ur-shur, as Ludacris would say, that doesn’t change the fact that the rest of the club will actually have to see it going down.

Now don’t get me wrong – I love this song. It’s catchy as all hell and, except for a verse by the not-too-good-at-rapping Young Jeezy, sounds great.

But there’s something about the tune that just makes me chuckle, and it’s this: We get it Usher. Just like R. Kelly and Ginuwine, you’re really into sex. But isn’t there a more clever way to say it? Or, what’s more, a sexier way?

To answer these pressing questions, I refer you back to my favorite R’B singers of all time, the infallible, inspired and unmatched Boyz II Men, my favorite musical group from first until third grade.

These Philly gentlemen had the same musical sexiness of Usher, but they were so much smoother. Just check out their biggest hit, the sing-it-like-you-mean-it “I’ll Make Love To You.” Let’s take a look at the lyrics, written by the similarly smooth Babyface, and see how Usher stacks up.

“Pour the wine, light the fire / Girl your wish is my command,” they sing. They’re talking about a real fire! In a fireplace! Wow, this is so much less goofy than club lovin’.

Let’s go on: “I’ll make love to you / like you want me to / and I’ll hold you tight / baby, all through the night