Whistle while you work, walk or ride the elevator

By most accounts, I’m not musically talented. But it’s sure not for lack of trying.

Even my… By most accounts, I’m not musically talented. But it’s sure not for lack of trying.

Even my mother, who is supposed to be the one to shower me, her first-born son, with endless praise, once told me that my brother had a better voice than me. And he can’t sing. She also said he was better at cooking and generally nicer. Guess who’s getting shafted in the will.

I did play the saxophone for nearly a decade, and I was arguably decent, but anyone who really knows the saxophone could’ve discerned that I basically hit random keys and was often lucky enough to hit the right ones.

I even (inexplicably) played that saxophone in a moderately successful high school band with its own non-MySpace website and T-shirts.

We made it all the way to a moderately successful gig that wasn’t in someone’s backyard or garage. It was (also inexplicably) in a museum, and we played behind some dinosaurs. The drummer’s mom even caught some kid in the parking lot sparking a joint. How rock ‘n’ roll.

Similarly, I often pretend to play other instruments. I can play exactly one beat on a drum set, I know how to bang out that spooky melody from the “Halloween” movie on a piano, and I used to know a single chord on guitar. I think it was G.

But there is one instrument, one shred of musical talent that resides deep within my being, and I think it goes criminally unnoticed in the majority of musical settings. It is a skill that many possess but few really nurture. It makes the darkest of days slightly brighter, like a really weak flashlight. That skill – nay, talent – is whistling. And I am a damn good whistler.

Now you – meaning anyone who plays a real instrument, can sing or thinks that whistling is only good for nonsense melodies to pass the time – may be currently scoffing, saying to yourself, or aloud to your friends and neighbors: “Whistling? Anyone can whistle. Even [insert name of least talented friend here]. See, there he goes! He can’t even tie his shoes!”

But let me assure you, whistling is no silly party trick. And you needn’t know how to tie shoes to master it.

It is a true musical talent, and it takes years and years of hard work to become an expert. On top of that, it is quite useful in a multitude of situations, mostly involving the avoidance of intense awkwardness.

Maybe it’s because I so often find myself in awkward situations that I’ve cultivated my ability to whistle. Take, for example, your average elevator ride. Whistling a familiar tune in an elevator on your way to class can really liven the mood of everyone in that metal box.

Now, I have received more than a few awkward or annoyed looks while whistling, say, an Usher tune in the Union elevators, but just imagine how much more awkward the trip would be without my on-the-spot music making. Thank God I always carry my instrument with me!

Also, whistling alerts people that you’re coming so they can prevent an awkward situation. Whistle loudly as you open your dorm door and, if your roommate hears you, chances are he’ll stop masturbating.

Whistling while walking anywhere also serves a purpose. First, it makes everyone think that you are very happy, which is probably true because whistling is so enjoyable. Street beggars are substantially less likely to bother you if you are whistling – you look busy being happy.

Also, it replaces the need for expensive electronics and allows you to be your own iPod.

You don’t even have to manually change the song – your mouth does all the work.

Ultimately, the ability to whistle opens countless doors for you. You’ll decrease awkward situations, make new friends and land the job of your dreams.

Just find out your employer’s favorite song ahead of time and walk into the interview whistling it – how could he not hire the guy who came in whistling “Always Be My Baby?” Master the rest of Mariah Carey’s repertoire, and you’ll make partner in no time.

While I may not have the best voice – in fact, some might even call it obnoxious or bad – I can sleep easy knowing that I’m not devoid of musical ability. I hope to one day expand my whistling to major motion picture soundtracks, radio sound clips and bar mitzvah performances.

But until then, I’ll be happy to eradicate elevator silence with sweet, sweet music, making the world a much less awkward place.