Middle names prove candidates’ presidential value

In case you haven’t heard, there is a pretty heavy race going on for our next president. Being… In case you haven’t heard, there is a pretty heavy race going on for our next president. Being North Oakland’s foremost expert on politics and the electoral process, I have worked long and hard to figure out which single issue will decide our next leader. After hours of research and gallons of caffeine, I’ve figured it out. It’s not the war. It’s not the economy. It certainly isn’t education reform. The single thing that will decide our next president next November is middle names.

Warming up the crowd in Cincinnati for Republican candidate Sen. John McCain, talk radio host Bill Cunningham recently repeated over and over the full name of one of McCain’s Democratic counterparts: Barack Hussein Obama Jr. While McCain later apologized and spoke against using any disparaging remarks against Obama or Hillary Clinton, it was clear that Cunningham was trying to appeal to Americans’ fears by mentioning that his middle name was the same as the last name of that notorious freedom-hater, Saddam.

Obama, who was born Christian and has never practiced Islam, has nothing to be sorry for. It’s an unfortunate coincidence and nothing more. But that doesn’t mean that we cannot obsess over it. If the media wants us to think that middle names hold weight in presidential elections, then let’s go for it.

We can start with McCain. If anybody should be shying away from his middle name, he should. A grizzled military hero and a former prisoner of war, McCain basks in a public glow of manliness. Of the people I know who plan on voting for him, most of them defend their choice by saying “Would you mess with him?” These people, I’m guessing, have clearly never seen his Wikipedia page. If they had, they’d see the senator’s middle name: Sidney. That’s right, I said Sidney. Mr. Badass has the middle name of a little girl. That should be really helpful during foreign negotiations.

Moving on, Clinton could use her name to help her cause. No matter what her ideas or policies are, Clinton still needs voters to get over the social stigma of her being a woman. I personally don’t think it’s a big deal, but it is clear that other people do. Her middle name is Diane, but ever since the early Bill years, she’s used her maiden name instead, going by Hillary Rodham Clinton.

As girly as Sidney sounds for McCain, Rodham sounds just as manly for Clinton. Rodham sounds like a British butler. Better yet, and I may be alone in this, it sounds like a male porn star, among the ranks of Lexington Steele or Peter North. What’s manlier than that? If Hillary wants to win this race, she should just go by her maiden name, or at least try one of those J. Edgar Hoover deals.

This highly political analysis made me wonder about the middle names of other famous leaders. Before this, I just couldn’t understand what other people saw in our current president. That was until I found out that the W stands for Walker. Now I get it. Obviously named after Chuck Norris’ title character on “Walker, Texas Ranger,” Dubya’s middle name invokes pride, courage and honor. Just like Ricky Bobby’s sons in “Talladega Nights,” someone with a name like that will not hesitate to come at you like a spider monkey. That’s what voters wanted, and that’s what they got, though maybe little George might have been better off playing the president on television.

Don’t believe this is a true test of presidential value? OK, hater, look at this. William Jefferson Clinton, despite doing a whole lot of positive during his two terms, will always be remembered for his extra-marital affairs. He was a great guy, except for getting busy with an intern. If the country would have listened to me and looked at his middle name, this never would have happened. Jefferson, a very presidential middle name, reminds me of Thomas Jefferson, the third president of our great country.

While also a solid leader, Jefferson will now always be known for the children he fathered with slave Sally Hemmings. Coincidence? I think not.

Maybe this is just the Obama supporter in me talking, but I feel like strange middle names actually help politicians become presidents. John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Lyndon Baines Johnson. Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Warren Gamaliel Harding. Richard Milhous Nixon. John Quincy Adams. Even Stephen Grover Cleveland. If Barack Hussein Obama Jr. doesn’t fit in with that group, then I don’t know who does. Heck, in that case, we’re only 13 years away from a Samuel Ellis Ginsburg nomination.

But, believe it or not, middle names don’t mean everything. Two of our all-time great leaders, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, didn’t even have middle names. And they turned out pretty good, right?

E-mail Sam at seg23@pitt.edu with any more legitimate political analysis.