Ice age flick leaves you cold

Real history does not lend itself to Hollywood blockbusters. Instead, directors and writers… Real history does not lend itself to Hollywood blockbusters. Instead, directors and writers spruce up the truth with stretched facts and cheesy plot lines. Warner Brothers took that route when it produced the inconspicuously and historically inaccurate “10,000 B.C.” The movie is directed by “non-fiction legends” Roland Emmerich and Harald Kloser, the masterminds behind “The Day After Tomorrow” and “Independence Day.” This flick is Hollywood’s creation myth, bringing audience members in contact with a past that neither they, nor historians knew existed.

Just like any other creation story, an old man with a deep raspy voice tells us of a hero and spells out the plot in one sentence – the world is changing, but don’t worry, with the leadership of one man (our main character, of course) everything will be all right. I guess history was much simpler back then.

The Yagahl, a hunter-gatherer tribe, finds its world changing. The mammoths are dying out, and the old ways cannot support the people. According to a prophesy of the Yagahl tribe, Egyptian “four-legged demons” (raiders on horseback) will wreak havoc upon the Yagahl. As with other prophecy-based movies, only one will be able to save the land, get the girl and entertain thousands of Americans in this Spring Break Release. Lucky for us, the girl’s hot. Blue-eyed Evolet (Camilla Belle) is captured by these raiders and taken from her beloved D’Leh (Steven Straight). In a Star Wars-esque rescue, the orphaned D’Leh is guided by his mentor Tic’Tic (Cliff Curtis) across various lands and dangers to meet her captors and win her back. And yes, even the Force comes into play.

Along the way, D’Leh and Tic’Tic travel through mountains, jungles and deserts, doing battle with giant meat-eating ostriches, and wandering about the dunes during a video montage. Few scenes actually involve combat – instead, the characters deal mainly with trivialities or go through bullshit leadership seminars like the ones in “Donny Darko.” Throughout the movie, I found myself ignoring the dialogue and searching for clues showing that the writers did not know their history. In “10,000 B.C.” you’ll find complex societies building humongous pyramids designed for a living god, but the historical record proves that the pyramids were built in the 25th century B.C., 7,500 years later. Furthermore, these so called Egyptians use a telescope, but Galileo lived on this side of Jesus, developing that astronomical tool in the 17th century. In one scene, you can spy a detailed map of Europe that must have slipped from the time-space continuum and plopped itself down in 10,000 B.C.

Yet rewritten history is not the only thing worth pointing out. The other is a racial divide. Now, I might be sensitive because every media pundit begins his political synopsis with a racial discussion, but it’s strange when the white D’Leh is drafted to lead African armies against the Egyptians. Why does the white guy always lead his black friends into combat? In another tale of ethnocentrism, the antagonists speak in deep metallic computer generated voices and subtitles. People who do not speak English are shown as ignorant and evil. When African tongues are spoken, no subtitles appear and most of the time the dialogue is not even translated to the audience. Apparently, only white English dialogue is important to viewers – everything else is just second-class.

10,000 B.C. Directed by Roland Emmerich and Harald Kloser Starring: Camilla Belle, Steven Straight, Cliff Curtis Warner Bros. Pictures

out of

Unfortunately, “10,000 B.C.” is not the first movie with ingrained racial bias. Subtle racial definitions of leadership are seen across a spectrum of movies, from “Blood Diamond” to animated Disney films. The continued paradigm of white leader and black follower raises old and troubling questions about American prejudices.

Ultimately, the movie has little to offer audiences. Shallow character development is not countered by mind-numbing action. Even the cheesy lines are not quotable. I did not have fun at “10,000 B.C.,” even despite the popcorn and Icee in my hand. With a slow plot and less action than in the little pinky of a James Bond movie, “10,000 B.C.” is definitely a miss. If you’re curious about the past, go rent “Ice Age.”