Taking wild lessons from Hannah Montana

As a prepubescent girl with big dreams, a heart of gold and a mouth full of orthodontia, I… As a prepubescent girl with big dreams, a heart of gold and a mouth full of orthodontia, I often suffered from delusions of grandeur concerning spring break, all of which involved me displaying minimal amounts of tasteful nudity on MTV, rubbing sunscreen on a well-built Swede by the name of Peter Bjorn John and sipping a fruity cocktail on the sunny shores of Cabo San Lucas.

There are particular points in my life when this vision really hit home for me (Just to name a few, “She’s All That” – the scene where Freddie Prinze Jr. gets his heart broken by teen queen Taylor Vaughn, most of Mary-Kate’s and Ashley’s “Holiday In The Sun,” all of “The Real World: Hawaii,” Season Eight).

So, when I learned that I would be spending the entirety of my break back home in Glen Mills, Pa., I decided to make my life as close to a “Girls Gone Wild in Philadelphia ’08” video as I could (minus the triple nipple XXX-posure).

Like a hypothetical Vanessa Anne Hudgens would say, I had nothing left to lose but my dignity.

Imagine my disappointment when I arrived in my hometown only to find high school kids drinking Wawa fruit punch and talking about the Eagles.

I spent my time drowning my sorrows in the comfort of Ryan Gosling films, sausage made from the hands of real Pennsylvania Dutchmen and IKEA’s Swedish meatball combo.

In between trips to Target and the farmer’s market, I was given the best of what my local radio station had to offer. This included Paramore’s “Misery Business” put on continuous repeat. Through it all, I was able to survive by the sheer strength that Miley Cyrus offered me.

That’s right, Miley Cyrus. Much in the same vein as other Disney superstars (Hillary Duff, Ashley Tisdale, Raven Symone), little Ms. Hannah Montana is using her child stardom to make it big in the real entertainment industry. When I first heard her latest single, “See You Again,” taken off the album “Hannah Montana 2: Meet Miley Cyrus,” my initial reaction was, “Who is this sassy, southern, 30-year-old mother of two, and what is she singing to me about?”

When I learned that this supposed trailer park mama was none other than the 15-year-old daughter of a one-hit wonder country singer, I was impressed.

As I listened to her lyrics, I was struck by a revelation that shook me harder than Arnold Schwarzenegger shook a 13-year-old Alyssa Milano in the opening montage of the 1985 film “Commando,” and that is this: Cyrus has depth.

Here are some of the many life lessons that she taught me from the song “See You Again”:

1. Love is a Battlefield: “I got my sights set on you and I’m ready to aim”

Cyrus is a warrior. She is willing to go the extra mile in order to get you to notice her, and she urges that all her listeners do the same.

2. Reincarnation and Intuition:

“I’ve got a way of knowing when something is right, I feel like I must have known you in another life”

Cyrus is a philosopher. Here, Cyrus touches on a deep subject that many Buddhist monks and theorists have struggled with for centuries. She boldly declares that she has the innate abilities of intuition that tell her when a boy is or is not right for her.

She goes on to state that she believes she has known this love interest (who I can only speculate is a Jonas Brother) in a previous life.

3. Avoidance: “The last time I freaked out, I just kept looking down”

Here, Cyrus is describing the perfect solution to all problems: avoidance. Promptly after listening to this song, I decided to stop filing tax returns.

4. Thoughts on Speech Impediments and Being Comfortable With Yourself:

“I st-st-stuttered when you asked me what I’m thinking about, Felt like I couldn’t breathe, You asked what’s wrong with me, My best friend Lesley said, “Oh, she’s just being Miley”

She brings to light the important issue of speech impediments, which often carry an unnecessarily negative stigma in today’s society and tells us that it’s OK to just let go and be ourselves sometimes. In Miley’s case, this means being an underage billionaire.

Wow, right? Miley Cyrus taught me the way that true girls go wild and that is for the boy they love. So, although my spring break did not consist of Cancun, bikinis and the Olsen twins, I can safely say that the words of wisdom that Hannah Montana gave me made it all worthwhile.

Put that Miley Cyrus CD on pause and e-mail Jen at jwl17@pitt.edu.