There’s no remaking the King of Pop

In 1983, I was still a first date, a wedding and a honeymoon in Jamaica away from existing. … In 1983, I was still a first date, a wedding and a honeymoon in Jamaica away from existing.

But that was the year Michael Jackson became the undisputed King of Pop. This was before weird little-boy sex scandals, before he started looking like a white woman and way before “pop music” brought to mind Joey Fatone and Lance Bass dancing in pastel-colored outfits.

This was the year Thriller came out and effectively demolished any previous pop album, sending a shock wave into the future and ensuring that nothing to come would ever touch it.

Just last week, Jackson released Thriller 25, a revamped anniversary edition of the record with some remixes and remakes by a few of today’s most popular artists. The results are both saddening and eye-opening. Here’s the bottom line: It just ain’t like it used to be.

So let’s make believe for a moment. The year is 2031, and you decide it’s time for some new music. You hop in the ’25 Toyota Hovercar and float over to Circuit City, which now implants music directly into your brain (even more convenient than iPods!). Hmm, what to buy?

You see the new Rolling Stones album, Still Not Dead, and Lil’ Wayne’s latest, featuring the hit “This Is My 10,000th Song, B***h.” Slim pickings today, it looks like.

But wait, there in the corner: It’s the 25th-anniversary edition of the all-time classic pop album! Soulja Boy’s Souljaboytellem.com!

Now while almost everything in the above paragraphs is entirely plausible – Mick Jagger could totally still be rocking at 88 – that last sentence isn’t fooling anyone.

It should come as no surprise that pop music isn’t exactly at its pinnacle. Sure, we’ve got folks like Justin Timberlake and even, dare I say, Rihanna, fighting the good fight, but too much of pop music is senseless, vapid dribble.

Thank god, then, for Thriller, the album we should all turn to anytime Sean Kingston comes on, as proof that good pop music is not an oxymoron.

Thriller arrived at a time when disco was in its death knell and New Wave had just taken off its training wheels.

But over the course of Thriller’s nine original tunes, the genres looked each other up and down, saw what they liked and made out for a full 42 minutes and 19 seconds. R’B, rock and soul even got in on the action.

The album went on to sell more than 100 million copies worldwide and spawn some of the absolute biggest hits (“Billie Jean,” “Beat It,” “Thriller”) and coolest trends (red leather jackets, zombies) of the ’80s.

But there’s a question raised with Thriller 25: Why does this classic need an updated version? Does Jackson think he needs to appeal to the younger generation by slapping new beats and vocals on his timeless songs? I sure hope not.

Remixes, the first and second, feature the never-that-good Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas reworking “The Girl is Mine” and “P.Y.T.”

He turns the first, originally a playful and purposefully silly piano duet with Paul McCartney, into a futuristic guitar mess with annoying synthesizer slabs and Will’s unlistenable raps, which consist of “You like the way I rock, the way I rock,” repeated until your ears bleed.

The second stretches the original, pleasantly dated call-and-response funk jam into a blipping and beeping blast with island drums.

Later, Fergie totally destroys “Beat It” with faux-angsty vocals not unlike Kelly Clarkson’s in “Since U Been Gone.”

Thanks, Ferg, now Michael Jackson is an American Idol. Even Kanye West’s “Billie Jean” just can’t stack up, replacing that legendary bassline with his usual orchestral strings and pow-pa-pow beats. Kanye! Wake up! “Billie Jean” is all about the bassline!

The only arguable – and completely surprising – success is Akon’s “Wanna Be Startin’ Something,” which reinterprets the hyperactive-disco tune as a piano ballad with a double-time beat. Weird.

It speaks volumes that the peak of pop music came and went 25 years ago. Are we really that over the hill, musically speaking? Will we ever have another Michael Jackson?

Well, the answers seem to be (sigh) I guess so, and no way.

Pop stars will come and go forever, but nobody messes with the king.