Fake heroes, make way for Zednik

America loves making up heroes. It used to be Paul Bunyan chopping down trees in one swing or… America loves making up heroes. It used to be Paul Bunyan chopping down trees in one swing or Pecos Bill riding on top of tornados. With the invention of the Internet, our fake heroes got even more powerful. All of a sudden, Chuck Norris waits instead of sleeping and Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas.

With all these fictitious idols, sometimes we tend to forget about the real people we should look up to.

This isn’t going to be a sappy column about how firefighters or policemen are the real heroes in our lives. And I’m not going chastise Americans for making up these absurd legends. I just want to give credit where it is due – to Richard Zednik.

Richard Zednik, who plays right wing for the NHL’s Florida Panthers, is a real hero. During Sunday night’s game against the Buffalo Sabres, Zednik took an ice skate to the neck, severing his carotid artery. With a trainer covering the wound with a towel, he skated all the way from the far end of the ice to his bench, leaving a significant trail of blood behind him.

That, my friend, is badass.

If you don’t believe me, watch the YouTube video. Halfway through the third period, his teammate Olli Jokinen got upended by a Sabres player, unintentionally sticking out his blade for Zednik to skate right into. When I first saw it, I was shocked – I thought the NHL had folded three years ago.

The game was delayed 15 minutes while Zamboni machines cleared the ice of blood. He was rushed to the hospital and given life-saving surgery. The entire crowd was silent during the delay, until it was announced that he was going to be fine. As of Monday, he was in stable condition.

Now, if we’re going make up ridiculous feats for our fake heroes, why not do it for somebody who actually deserves it? Skating off the ice with a lacerated neck is much cooler than Cole Hamels getting Santa to sit on his lap or Jack Bauer killing two stones with one bird. I say we make Richard Zednik our new fake hero.

I heard that Richard Zednik did the surgery to fix his neck all by himself, left-handed. The doctors tried to give him anesthesia, but drugs have no effect on Richard Zednik. Richard Zednik actually drove the ambulance to the hospital and on the way stopped three fires, gave CPR to seven dying children and fixed Buffalo’s bleu cheese crisis.

Sure, he’s from Slovakia, but that doesn’t mean he’s not American. In fact, Richard Zednik carved Mount Rushmore just by staring at the mountain.

Before crossing the Delaware River, George Washington asked Richard Zednik for directions.

Richard Zednik wrote a rock rendition of the Star Spangled Banner then sold it to Jimi Hendrix for $5 and his soul. Johnny Appleseed only planted trees because Richard Zednik let him.

It gets even crazier. Richard Zednik once made a Bengal tiger cry. Richard Zednik doesn’t have to mow his lawn – the grass is too afraid of him to grow. Richard Zednik shaves with a rusty chainsaw. Richard Zednik caused the Irish Potato Famine because he wanted to make a stew. When God gets frustrated, He says “For the love of Richard Zednik.”

While making these up these lines is fun, they cover up a much bigger problem. We are so caught up in fake heroes that we forget that we have the ability to make real ones. We sit inside and make up stories instead of going out and forging realities.

This reminds me of an ongoing fight I am having with a friend of mine. He is obsessed with a certain video game that lets you pretend to be a rock star. He spends all his time playing fake instruments, dancing around fake stages, getting cheered by fake fans, earning fake money and headlining fake concerts.

He actually told me today that his fake band would soon be touring in Berlin, to which I replied, “Don’t you mean fake Berlin?” He has yet to tell me if he’s been able to use his fake status to pick up fake groupies.

Now, let’s contrast him with another friend of mine, who is starting a real band. While he plays the real guitar, one with strings and frets instead of color-coded buttons, the band has a real drummer, a real bassist and a real singer. They hold real practices, make up real songs and hope to, one day, play in front of a real audience.

While they may not be the next Beatles, at least they have a shot. At the very best, this guy can become an international celebrity, fill stadiums and become a rock legend. The best the first guy can do is win a video game.

I don’t know if it is out of laziness or apathy, but most people these days would rather be fake than real.

Too afraid of failure, we make up worlds in which we can succeed. Instead of trying to be something real, we become fake rock stars and praise false heroes, never really growing or accomplishing anything.

We need to understand that it is better to be a real bust than a fake success. You may never become a star or save the world, but why not give it a shot? You may fail, but at least you tried, and that’s better than nothing.

At least that’s what Richard Zednik told me.

E-mail Sam at seg23@pitt.edu. And don’t forget that Richard Zednik invented the Internet.