Political Phil-osophy

Saturday morning, I found myself standing in an ice-cold clearing in the middle of the woods…. Saturday morning, I found myself standing in an ice-cold clearing in the middle of the woods. The woods in question just happened to be Gobbler’s Knob, the site of Punxsutawney Phil’s annual weather prediction. It was dawn, and the trees were black against the lightening sky. There were 20,000 other people with me. The future was heavy around us. Shadow or no shadow? Would it be six more weeks of winter, or was spring just around the corner?

With baited (and visible) breath, the crowd waited intently for the verdict. And finally the lucky president of the Inner Circle responsible for communicating with Phil informed us that the groundhog had indeed seen his shadow. To the dismay of our damp and frozen feet, spring was still a month and a half away.

Phil is an incredibly reliable source. He has never, ever been wrong, not in 120-odd years. Who can argue with that kind of consistency?

Inspired by this display of accurate rodent prognostication and fueled by a fervor that could only be the product of too little sleep and too many Punxsutawney Pancakes, I decided to seek out my own small, mammalian councilor to let me in on arguably the most important issue in the United States this week – the Super Tuesday primaries.

I ran into a very informative and friendly squirrel named Peter – which seems like a completely appropriate name for a made-up talking squirrel – on the lawn of the Cathedral of Learning. He himself happens to be a Barack fan, and although he wasn’t able to give me a Phil-esque prediction – not all animals are seers, I suppose – he did have a wealth of knowledge about the campaigns and the campaigners.

At this point I should say that although I love me some Charlie Rose, I have a hard time not playing Tetris online instead of streaming the Clinton-Obama debate. I know it’s important for me, and for all of us, to learn about the issues and the candidates and all that jazz, but after a while, that political posturing is just noise to me. And I know my resistance to get super involved or pick a candidate to support could be construed as apathy, but there’s more behind it than that.

It just seems to me that there are better things for me to do until April rolls around and I can actually vote in the Pennsylvania primary. Like baking. Or not flunking out of college.

The thing is, as easy as it is to be apathetic, I feel guilty about it. This is because of something one of my close friends once said to me. We were listening to a standup comic who made an offensive joke but said it was OK because he had admitted that it was offensive. My friend, who is prone to random moments of philosophical depth, pointed out to me that the comic had made a keen observation about our culture. We have a tendency pardon ourselves from our weaknesses by admitting them.

I have a tendency to pardon myself from my political ignorance by wearing it proudly on my sleeve. But that doesn’t make it OK.

I unloaded this problem to Peter as he nibbled away on a blueberry – hey, if he’s fake, why not give him a fake blueberry – and he had some suggestions. He said the reason I’m currently uninspired by the political climate is that everything the candidates have shown me so far in their rhetoric only adds up to my conclusion that I would be the best president.

This is a huge problem. I would be a terrible, terrible president. But in their striving to make me like them by eating with housewives at diners, by shaking the hands of college students and by whitening their teeth, most of the candidates haven’t impressed me.

President George W. Bush was elected in 2000 because he made himself out to be an Average Joe. That’s basically what the current frontrunners are doing, and it’s pretty ridiculous. If they’re just like me, and they can make the best president, then so can I. Why am I not running? I mean, I like my own views on Iraq more than anyone else’s.

I don’t want a president who is just like me. I don’t want a president who wins my vote by relating to me on a personal level.

I want a president who is smarter than me, more logical and responsible, better connected. I want a meritocracy. I want someone who is going to be good at his or her job. And I want the candidates to get serious and tell me why they are that person.

I do realize that Punxsutawney Phil and the campaign seem hardly tangential, but actually, they’re much more closely related than you’d think. The way these campaigns are being run, I wouldn’t have been surprised to see one of the candidates pop up at the festivities in Punxsutawney. It was a very Average Joe day.

But that’s the point. The reason we have an elected government is so that we can put the absolute best person in charge and feel good about it. I want the best person to run the country, and I want the rest of us to head up to Gobbler’s Knob and wait for Phil to tell us what’s going to happen. The third best way to eat a Reese’s is to poke a hole in the middle of it, look through it like it’s a telescope and make pirate noises. Then eat it. E-mail Cassidy at cassidygruber@gmail.com