Brooding a great way to impress

I was inspired once. Really, I planned not to leave my homework until the bitter end and I… I was inspired once. Really, I planned not to leave my homework until the bitter end and I truly intended not to write this column a few minutes before deadline. In fact, I was so inspired that I was compelled to drop what I was doing and scour my brain for the appropriate inspirational quote.

After hours of soul-searching, I was inspired-squared. My heart pounding and my brain whirring with ideas, I dashed out poems about my inspiration and grandiose plans that would stem from said inspiration. At the end of it all, I was so exhausted by being so ridiculously inspired that I took a nap. And here I am now, filled with a weighing sense of failure, devoid of inspiration and time, which is cause for even more introspection. Why do I do the things I do?

See that? That was I brooding.

I’ve always wanted to be broody. It’s a word that sounds cool enough for me to want to do. It means two things: “The desire to want to sit and hatch eggs” or someone who is “persistently or morbidly thoughtful.” I’m referring to the latter.

It’s a very cowboy or presidential thing to do. To sit there alone, thinking great thoughts, inventing, reflecting – it really lends an aura of genius. Of course, brooding actually requires one to think great, deep thoughts.

Unfortunately, I lack that capacity. However, I’ve figured out several surefire ways to appear to be brooding, even if one is actually thinking about Jessica Alba or that sweet party on Meyran Avenue later tonight. Which leads you to ask, of course, “Why would I want to appear brooding in the first place?”

The act of brooding is quite mysterious: A brooder appears unresponsive to external stimuli. Typically, his eyebrows are furrowed, and his mouth is turned into a slight frown. Brooding bespeaks such intense thought that passers-by – especially the female ones – are drawn initially by a desire to be close to greatness. When you fail to respond to their queries – “Pray tell, sir, why are you sitting in a corner, when all your compatriots are engaged in revelry?” – and your face reveals no emotion, they begin to doubt themselves.

Have they insulted you? Did they interrupt a brilliant thought? A brooder is inscrutable and mute. In an instant, he becomes the ever-coveted, ever-desired, “strong and silent” type.

Brooding implies purpose, and thus you may automatically be forgiven for not paying attention in class or to your significant other. The default brooder response, “Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts,” is better than explaining that you didn’t hear the professor because you were checking out the girl in front of you or that you were watching TV when your girlfriend was taking. A brooder stares into space, his eyeballs unmoving. And if his eyeballs appear to be staring at attractive females