Hair rules: a guide to stereotyping

Some things in life are just common knowledge. As Ben Franklin, my mother and old Romanian… Some things in life are just common knowledge. As Ben Franklin, my mother and old Romanian midwives would agree, you should always put your best foot forward while killing two birds with one stone and avoiding the mouth of a gift horse. Now, I love an idiom as much as the next killjoy, but there’s one nugget of wisdom that they are all wrong about, and that is the idea that you should never judge a book by its cover.

I can already hear the protests of the pure and the non-shallow: “But, Jen! Does this mean you are promoting the use of instant discrimination based on surface appearances?” To which I can only say, “Yes.” But before you get your knickers in a twist, allow me to explain the method to my madness.

When I say that you should make snap judgments against every single stranger you meet, I’m not focusing on trivial details like facial-attractiveness level, body weight or skin color. Instead, I’m urging you to assess individuals on the basis of the most important indicator of their personality, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is hairstyle.

For the past 19 years of my wise and fruitful life, I’ve lived by the mantra that a person’s hair truly defines who they are on the inside. I’ve been accused of being completely superficial in the past, but only by the bald and the balding, so obviously their opinions don’t count in the World of Hair that we live in. Still not convinced?

Here’s a real-life example of how hair discrimination works.

Back in Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, I was chillin’ with my street crew in a local pizza joint on a Sunday night. While waiting for our pizza pie to finish baking to doughy perfection, in waltzed a rival gang. My shrewd, discriminating eye zoned in on a particularly strange hairdo, sported by one of the lead thugs. This ninth grader had a brown mop top that mushroomed into Farrah Fawcett wings all around his boyish face.

My senses were on high alert, and I could tell something bad was about to go down. The kid pulled up to the counter, his hand suspiciously reaching into his coat pocket where a gun-sized item was poking out. He proceeded to order a chicken Caesar salad and a diet Snapple. At a pizza place.

Afterward, he turned around and grinned at us, his braces glistening with saliva and the hopes of taking one of us on a pleasure joyride on his 10-speed bicycle. My crew looked away in disgust and went on to devour our greasy treasure.

In this case, my assumptions (tacky hair, tacky guy) were completely and utterly correct. So what does your hair say about you?

1. Greasy, Straight-Part – Favored by male stoners, girls with low self-esteem and people who just don’t know better, the Greasy Straight-Part tells the world, “Hey! I’m too stoned/sad/tired to care what you think! So there.”

2. Curly – I once loved this hair style so much that I allowed my straight locks to undergo a chemical perm. The result was a poodle fro that I can only refer to as ghetto fabulous (good-bye, J.Lue, hello, J.Lo!). Most prominently displayed among young males and sassy, firecracker females, curly hair is truly one-of-a-kind.

3. Rat’s Nest – Sported by the homeless, Amy Winehouse and the “ubertrendy,” the Unbrushed Rat’s Nest is the result of either careful planning or complete hygienic negligence.

It is a style preferred by those who can’t afford to look good and those who can afford too much.

Classic Rat’s Nest Quotes: “Please, sir, I want some more.” or “I just got my copy of the new Sufjan Stevens, and I just think he really gets me, you know?”

4. Spiky, Excess Hair Gel – Millions of unfortunate young men suffer from Spiky, Excess Hair Gel Syndrome. This hairstyle just screams, “Yes, ladies, I spent 30 minutes meticulously spiking my hair in front of a mirror this morning before going out. I am questionably heterosexual.”

5. Buzz Cut – Girls with buzz cuts say, “I am a strong independent woman. If Natalie Portman can do it, why can’t I? Now, if you don’t mind, I have a ‘Vagina Monologues’ performance to catch.” Guys with buzz cuts say, “Officers, get on the ground and give me 10!”

This is just a small taste of the many applications of hair discrimination that I personally employ. Each individual’s own experience will mold his personal brand of stereotyping.

Despite the variations, remember there are simply some truths that can’t be disputed.

Grizzly bears can kill. Corona tastes better than Natty Light. Bros will be bros. Sharks are awesome. And growing your hair into the shape of a mushroom cloud will not make you a ladies’ man.

You should always judge a book by its cover.

Bro, buzz or rat’s nest? E-mail Jen at jwl17@pitt.edu.