Caffeine crazy

My plan for Monday morning was simple: wake up early, go find a nice, cozy seat in a certain… My plan for Monday morning was simple: wake up early, go find a nice, cozy seat in a certain Oakland coffee shop, and write a column about the dangers of caffeine. Sure, that makes me a hypocrite, but who isn’t one these days. But, what became my journey for a single cup of coffee made me rethink my stance on America’s dependency on artificial energy.

Here’s what happened:

9:30 a.m. – After searching my apartment for 15 minutes, I realized that I left my book bag at my buddies’ apartment last Thursday. This not only showed how much work I did over the weekend, but also meant that I had to somehow get to the farthest part of South Oakland from my apartment not named after a Shakespearean character.

9:35 a.m. – I finally found my keys and decide to drive down, which is my first huge mistake of the morning.

9:45 a.m. – Reaching my friends’ place, I parked illegally and climbed up their fire escape to go in.

9:47 a.m. – For a change, their door was locked, so I knocked loudly to wake them up. A person I had never seen before let me in after I said that I just needed to get my bag.

9:49 a.m. – I realize that, while I should have climbed three flights to my buddies’ place, I had only gone two. The guy who let me in was surprisingly understanding about this mistake.

9:53 a.m. – I finally got my bag and returned to my car, only to realize that I had been driving around with the low fuel light on.

9:59 a.m. – At the gas pump, I couldn’t remember my zip code, which has been the zip code of my permanent residence for almost 22 years.

10:11 a.m. -Then, hopelessly searching for a legal parking space, I almost killed a pedestrian crossing the street in front of me. Luckily, the kid was too angry at the president/his parents/the world to look up and realize that he was almost hit by a car. Cheer up, kid.

10: 30 a.m. – I finally get to my destination, sip my coffee and smile like JP from “Angels in the Outfield.”

What’s the point of this story? Well, while groggily driving around Oakland contemplating if watching the Steelers win another championship would be worth all the parking spaces the subsequent rioting would free up, I realized how important caffeine really is. If I had just made myself a cup of coffee before I left, I probably wouldn’t have made most of those mistakes. It may not be fair to make coffee a scapegoat, but I like the idea that roughly half of my life’s errors are because of not drinking something, while the other half stem from drinking too much of something else.

Like it or not, America is dependent on caffeine. As if having a Starbucks on every corner from Pittsburgh to Fallujah wasn’t enough, now we have energy drinks, energy gum, energy bars, energy shots, energy pills and a new caffeine-filled Snickers bar that has roughly as much kick to it as two bottles of soda. At any time of day, a quick jolt of caffeine is only a few heart palpitations away.

My sister, who used to work the early shift at our local Starbucks, used to share stories of zombies in need of their daily fix, having convinced themselves that they cannot function without their usual double organic skim iced mocha latte macchiato. I used to think these kinds of people were pathetic. But now I realize I was wrong. Sure, they’re tastes might be skewed and they hold up the line behind them, but isn’t that better than them falling asleep at the wheel or passing out while operating large construction equipment?

I’ve heard all the anti-caffeine propaganda. Recent studies show that too much caffeine raises chances of both osteoporosis and miscarriages. It also causes dangerous rises in blood pressure. According to MSNBC, 250 milligrams a day may cause nausea, headaches, sleep difficulties and anxiety. People who ingest more than 1,000 milligrams often suffer from heart palpitations. But, at the same time, WebMD reports that drinking coffee every day could lower risks of diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, tooth cavities and asthma attacks.

And, most importantly, it makes people feel better. Is there anything wrong with that? Lots of people use much worse substances than caffeine to get their fixes. If it makes you happier and more alert, why bother fighting it?

Too much coffee can be dangerous, but, like country music and soy sauce, its negative effects can be tolerable when taken in moderation. Would it be better if the country were in good enough shape to run on its own natural energy? Of course it would. But, that would take too much effort. And after the coffee I’m currently drinking wears off, I’m going to be exhausted.

E-mail Sam at seg23@pitt.edu for more health tips.