NHL All-Star game needs reality check and changes

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“The NHL All-Star game.”

“Who cares?”

That’s right. Why… “Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“The NHL All-Star game.”

“Who cares?”

That’s right. Why should any fan care about this year’s NHL All-Star game, let alone any in the past decade?

They’re horrible to watch. The good players don’t care. The NHL has a serious formatting issue and should probably seek serious help when scheduling the events of the weekend.

That’s right avid fans. The league has done something right and brought back the weekend format for the game. But that’s just one checkmark on the list of improvements the NHL needs to make to return the All-Star Game’s popularity.

Step One: Weekend game. Check. Step Two: Take the games out of bad hockey markets. Uncheck. I know that these areas have teams, but, seriously, there is nothing better than stepping inside of a 16-degree hockey arena to raise your body temperature.

Last year’s All-Star Game? Held in Dallas. This is Texas we’re talking about. If they want an All-Star game, let them have baseball’s or that of some other warm, boring sport. Cricket anyone?

This year’s? Atlanta. Hockey has failed once in the Peach State, so why give it a second chance, let alone an All-Star Game?

Next year? Montreal. Now this is a city worthy of hosting. But the sad part is that Les Habitants wouldn’t be holding it if it weren’t their 100th anniversary. They’d probably hold it in Nashville or, even worse, Phoenix. Speaking of Phoenix, there are discussions that they will hold the 2011 game – no comment.

Solution: Have the “Winter Classic” be an All-Star Game.

Step Three: Make the game count for something. Uncheck. I know that you know about my disliking for the most boring, turmoil-filled sport on the planet, but MLB commissioner Bud Selig did something right when he gave home-field advantage to the team whose league had won the game.

Step Four: Put the best players in the game in the game. Uncheck. The East boasts a roster that includes Tim Thomas, Tomas Kaberle and Marc Savard. Come on. If those guys are stars, why don’t we bring Uwe Krupp, Tom Chorske and Craig Billington out of retirement to play in the game? These guys suck.

I know Thomas has put up good numbers this season, but what about Martin Gerber, the guy in Ottawa? He has won 21 games, posted a .916 save percentage and his goals-against average is 2.61. These numbers are better than all three of the East’s goalies. Enough said.

As for Kaberle – one word: ridiculous. This guy would get beat on a one-on-one in floor hockey. I guess the Capitals’ Mike Green and the Canadiens’ Mark Streit are just too young. And for the Bruins’ Savard? This is getting worse. The guy was chosen ahead of Evgeni Malkin, who is now in the game since Sidney Crosby’s injury will keep him out of it. If you’re going to take Savard, why not go with Danny Briere, last year’s All-Star Game MVP? He has nine more goals than Savard on nine fewer shots. The West’s lineup, on the other hand, is quite formidable, aside from one guy that they have in the paint. That guy, Chris Osgood, probably should retire soon, before his knees snap into millions of pieces.

Ken Holland should probably realize that having two goalies and a top defensemen whose ages add up to 122 – soon to be 123 when Dominik Hasek turns 42 on Tuesday – isn’t going to fare well for his team down the stretch.

But who am I to judge the top team in the league? The point I’m trying to make is: Put someone younger and more exciting in the game instead of Osgood. J.S. Giguere, anyone?

Step Five: Revert back to the form of having last year’s Stanley Cup winner play against a team of All Stars from around the league. This is not only exciting, but you could use this as a marketing ploy.

All joking aside, the NHL needs to make some changes, or this game is going to fall even deeper into the canyon known as, “Who really watches Versus anyway?”

Step Six: Get a new network contract.

So when Jan. 27 comes knocking on your imaginary cable-guide door, will you watch? I know I won’t.