Come, “one-uppers,” tell your tales

I’ve accomplished a lot in my short two decades on this plane of existence. I have a lot of… I’ve accomplished a lot in my short two decades on this plane of existence. I have a lot of friends.

Old women absolutely adore me. Yet I always seem to come across those people who aren’t impressed. Old women absolutely adore me, but old women absolutely adoringly love these people. My internship was good, but these people passed on that internship for a better one. Everyone has faced these demons in life. They are called one-uppers.

I think everyone has had this experience.

Hanging around with a small group of friends playing a round of Mouse Trap goes well until everyone begins discussing their crazy celebrity encounters. Billy is the first one to bring up the conversation.

He mentions how excited he is about his best friend winning Battle of the Bands. Then Nicholas chimes in with a similar story.

“Yeah, my cousin is in Coldplay,” Nicholas says.

Nicholas is a one-upper. Anything you can do he wouldn’t do, because he does better things: This is his motto.

But do not be fooled. There are important signs that one must look for when determining if present company includes a one-upper. For example, I know that I am in the presence of a one-upper when I feel completely uninterested in a story about meeting the president and having tacos with him.

Another tell-tale sign deals not with the content of the story, but rather with the method of storytelling. Here is a sample of a real conversation with Jorge, a real one-upper:

“Yeah, it was sweet, man. You should have seen that cop. He knew that we knew our stuff, because my dad’s a pretty important lawyer around here.”

“Oh. When was this?”

“Friday night. It was me, Kevin, Dirk, Wilson, Bulldozer.”

“Bulldozer?”

“You don’t know Bulldozer? Oh, man. Bulldozer knows everybody!”

Not only does the one-upper specifically name friends that there is no way I could possibly know, but he suggests that I am nobody because of not knowing some kid named Bulldozer. The one-upper does this because there is no reason to doubt him.

If he is so sure about his friend Bulldozer, what reason do I have to tell him he is full of crap? If Jorge had said, “Yeah, me and a few friends,” I’d probably have called him on this tall tale.

The most important but subtle sign that a one-upper is in the room is body language. Reading the eyes of a listener is vital. Generally, Nicholas or Jorge stare vacantly at my face while I try and relay to them a humorous romp about my experiences.

Actually, they are not even staring blankly at me. In these situations they have actually managed to imagine a space behind my head and stare at that spot. That way they don’t have to actually listen to my story. Instead, they can concentrate on coming up with what they plan on saying once I have finished.

But all of this griping would not be useful without some kind of meaningful advice. What is the smartest way to deal with a one-upper?

The angry man’s answer would suggest telling Nicholas or Jorge that no one cares. The lesser lady would simply tell a one-upper to shut up. However, there is a flaw in this. To tell a one-upper that no one cares about their story is to neglect the most important person in the room. The one-upper cares and that is all that matters.

Instead of this rather deconstructive behavior, why not embrace the one-upper’s stories? His are the product of fiction and a source of entertainment.

Besides, has it ever hurt anyone to raise someone else’s self esteem? Simply enjoying the tale of the one-upper, to me, is a humbling experience. Cleansing, if you will. What could be more humbling than learning that everything you have ever done cannot even be compared to the experiences of your present companion?

So Nicholas, please tell me about the time you impressed Vin Diesel with your juggling skills.

I want to know about your walk-on role in “Nash Bridges.” Jorge, I want to hear every excruciating detail about your run in with the five-o.

Heck, I’ll even listen to what funny comment your buddy Jackrabbit said in the situation.

The point is, as a one-upper, the burden of fantastic stories becomes stressful.

Let me be your shelter. Unload your burden upon me. I will be your Samwise Gamgee.

I cannot carry your “one story to rule them all.” But I can carry you.

E-mail Josh at jmg77@pitt.edu with a story that cannot compare with his.