Save money while living off campus

When it comes to living off campus, saving money is the name of the game. Gone are the days of… When it comes to living off campus, saving money is the name of the game. Gone are the days of cranking up the heat at the first sign of chills or leaving your computer on for 72 hours straight to show people that you came up with the most original away message ever.

Say hello to gas bills, electric bills, water bills, supermarket bills, cable bills and buffalo bills, not to mention rent, security deposits and that ridiculous “poured” drink tax that still counts even if you just order a bottle of beer that isn’t poured into anything at all.

But I’m not bitter. I have long professed my love of capitalism, and, like herpes or glitter, free market economy isn’t going away anytime soon.

We can’t stop spending – that would be un-American. So instead of saving all your gold coins in a giant pool like Scrooge McDuck, here are a few tips on how to save some cash while living off campus.

First, despite what the Olsen twins would like you to think, everybody has to eat.

Now you could save some green by eating just one meal a day, especially if that meal is after 11 p.m., when you can get 10 pounds of food for about $4 at a number of Oakland eateries.

But if binging isn’t your thing, you could always try the age-old method of stealing from your neighbors.

This isn’t quite like illegally tapping into their cable to get extra movie channels – it’s a much more direct approach.

Think of it as holding them at gunpoint, but your only weapon is your winning personality.

It starts out with the cliched-yet-effective cup of sugar.

Then you move to slightly bigger things, like a carton of milk or a packet of instant mashed potatoes.

Then, when you have finally established your fraudulent level of trust, you go even bigger, like chicken breasts or entire Thanksgiving turkeys.

Within weeks, you can be eating like a king without spending a dime.

The next big problem is keeping down heating costs.

When winter rolls around and we all start wondering why we didn’t apply to University of Florida or Maui Community College, conniving gas companies are licking their lips watching the dough roll in.

The amateur penny-pincher may pull out the sweatshirts, but I have an even better idea.

Ugly sweaters are incredible conductors of heat, so instead of wearing that horrendous piece of wool you had to pretend didn’t make you gag when you Aunt Jemima gave it to you last holiday season, burn it.

Not only does this keep your abode warm, it clears up some much-needed closet space.

And the fumes emitted from your indoor bonfire may very well make you pass out, so you won’t be conscious enough to feel how cold it is.

One popular misconception about living off campus is that you have to spend a lot of money to make your place look “cool.”

College poster prices have risen faster than the cost of crude oil, and nobody is really impressed anymore by those pictures of Bob Marley smoking or Bluto Blutarsky finishing off a bottle of Jack Daniels.

So when searching for some sensible-yet-extravagant home decor, look no further than the streets.

Nothing says “I’m down to earth, but I also really understand modern art” like a traffic cone sitting in the middle of your living room.

Why put up pictures of your friends from back home when a stolen street sign makes you look so much cooler?

Plus, finding objects with which to decorate your space can be a really special bonding experience between roommates, especially if you get caught and all end up in jail.

Here’s one tip though: For the love of Jamie Dixon, when trying to save money on decorating, do not decide that window blinds are an unnecessary expense.

Despite your apparently healthy self-esteem, there are plenty of things going on in your bedroom that us innocent pedestrians do not need, or want, to see.

Thank you.

Another crippling cost connected to living independently is the price of cleanliness.

For some reason, I don’t know why, it’s much harder to keep an apartment clean than a dorm room.

While this issue took some heavy brainstorming, I think I finally figured out how to keep down the cost of cleaning supplies.

Nobody likes cleaning carpets, and vacuums are crazy expensive.

So instead of paying for a Dirt Devil, why not hire a nice critter to pick up after you?

Rats and mice are effective scavengers and ridiculously cheap – they literally work for the peanut shells you drop on the floor.

If you want to go classy, a hamster or gerbil can clear scraps and get the dust out of tight corners.

And if the landlord comes in and disapproves of your cleaning technique, you can just tell him that his building has a rodent problem and sue for damages.

No matter how you try to save money, remember this: At least you’re not living on campus anymore.

Sure, you might not get the camaraderie of sharing a bathroom with 30 of your closest friends, but at least you don’t have to sign people in when they want to see your place.

And there’s no expensive fine if they end up spending the night.

E-mail Sam at seg23@pitt.edu.