Eyebrow raising

This column is part two in a series about facial hair. Last time, two months ago, I wrote… This column is part two in a series about facial hair. Last time, two months ago, I wrote about beards and how I could grow one if I felt like it. That column was controversial enough, and the truth is that I actually lied. I couldn’t grow a beard if I felt like it. However, I can grow thick eyebrows, even if I don’t feel like it.

Having thick eyebrows can be tough for several reasons. But before we go any further, let’s subvert the whole idea of “thick eyebrows.” The word “thick” is a tool of cultural hegemony. Stupid people have heads that are “thick.” Lying people lay it on “thick.” The contents of the boils I grew as a high schooler, the doctor described as “thick.”

No more. From now on, we’re calling them “thorough eyebrows.” Having “thorough” eyebrows can be tough for several reasons:

All of your emotions are exaggerated. Having thorough eyebrows is like having a keyboard that only types in capital letters. Why do you think all the most famous silent film actors had the most thorough eyebrows? Sometimes, I’m tired, and my eyebrows slope very slightly upward. People get concerned and want to know what’s so wrong that I would look so horribly sad. I say, “I’m not sad, but my thorough eyebrows are creating that impression.”

Girls always want to pluck your eyebrows. I guess this is sort of a prejudiced statement: If you are a girl with thorough eyebrows, then you yourself want to pluck them. Girls want to do this, because they fear the immutable virility of thorough eyebrows.

The ancients believed eyebrows were the source of masculine energy. For example, consider the story of Sampson and Delilah. Sampson was the mightiest of the Jews, but this woman Delilah cut his hair, and he lost his strength. Modern archeologists are now privy to the fact that this story was originally all about eyebrows. Later, women rewrote the story, in an effort to ease stigmas against plucking, and to encourage men to grow free, heavenly locks.

Sometimes, facial oils can collect in thorough eyebrows. With enough time and the right mix of pathogens, a boil can form on your face. It’s important that you get to the dermatologist as soon as possible, so that he can be very surprised at your boil.

“In all my years…” he mutters, trailing off in awe. This boil is a problem for you, but a source of professional excitement for the dermatologist. It reinvigorates his sense of calling, renewing the hunger for knowledge that drove him to dermatology in the first place. He grips the instruments tightly, like space-shuttle controls, and explains what’s happening step by step, more for his own benefit than yours, trying to draw out this moment of discovery forever.

He squeezes. Sweat collects above his timid eyebrows. He squeezes. Between his half-hearted white and slender eyebrows, half-hearted creases emerge. He squeezes. “Be I a dermatologist or not?” he demands of his withered soul, his soft hands, his ancestors. The boil explodes, a fountain of greenish wonder. The dermatologist comes to on the floor, shaking his head grinning. “No charge, my friend,” he says. “What you’ve given me is worth the moon and the stars.” However, there are some advantages to thorough eyebrows.

If I ever have an itch on my finger, I raise the finger to my face and rub it against my eyebrow to scratch it.

Eyebrows aren’t just good for scratching. They’re also good for removing scratches. A few days ago, I was in a fender bender. It was just a scratch, so the other guy told me not to worry about it. It turned out nobody had to worry about it, because I bent over and, furrowing my brow to create a bristle, polished the scrape away by violently shaking my forehead in front of his bumper. At that he was stunned, so just imagine his surprise when I proceeded to buff and shine the entire car to a like-new finish.

You can exfoliate with your eyebrows.

Girls always want to pluck your eyebrows. Girls love a fixer-upper, someone they can creatively mold, in order to feel existentially solid in a world where their place and contributions are uncertain. Normally, this someone ends up being a total loser, a full-time heroin addict nursing a part-time interest in black and white photography. A woman with drive doesn’t have the time to go that far, though, so reshaping a guy’s eyebrows can be a low-key outlet for her instinct.

So if you’re a guy with thick eyebrows, don’t cover them up. Showcase their reckless abandon, like twin stallions, refusing to be tamed. Then, don’t let her pluck them on the first date, or even the second or third. Make sure that she knows that letting her pluck you is a step that demands commitment and trust. Make her protect you from robbers and spiders.

I hope that I’ve raised your awareness of citizens with thorough eyebrows.

Lewis appreciates thorough e-mails. Send him some feedback at ljl10@pitt.edu.