Wrestling rules in NBA? Sounds fun

Last week the Pistons’ Rasheed Wallace told Yahoo.com he thinks the NBA “ain’t basketball… Last week the Pistons’ Rasheed Wallace told Yahoo.com he thinks the NBA “ain’t basketball anymore -it’s entertainment.”

He went on to say, “It’s starting to get like the WWF. There ain’t no real wrestling anymore, either. It’s all fake.”

I agree, for the most part. First, it’s now the WWE, and Wallace should’ve done his homework before criticizing the league with an outdated reference. And secondly, Wallace seems to think this is a bad thing.

It’s not.

I’ve thought for some time sports should copy certain aspects of wrestling, such as self-made storylines and backstage matches.

Sports have storylines, but they’re very rarely captivating and often talked about way too much, making people sick of them days before the game starts. I think WWE-like storylines would make the downtime in sports much more enjoyable.

So here’s the most accurate NBA season preview, done with wrestling storylines, that you’ll read.

It’s what I think is most likely to happen ranking from one to five Tim Donaghys, with five being a “safe bet” and one being a “you lost everything, and now you’re betting your younger brother and dog.”

The Spurs win another title, but NBA commissioner David Stern emerges from the locker room and voids the win. He claims the NBA can’t have the Spurs win another championship, because too many people find them boring, so they have to play another series against the more marketable Boston Celtics.

I’m giving this five Donaghys. I think both will happen. The Spurs are still the best team in the league and should win again. The Celtics, with the acquisitions of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen, are a popular pick to dethrone the Spurs. I don’t think they can do it, unless Stern pulls this move, and tells the Spurs they can only play with four men on the court at one time. I wouldn’t put it past him at this point.

All-Star weekend adds a new event called the Streetball Challenge, where players play one-on-one games on a public court in the city where the All-Star Game is held, making it the first ever NBA cage match.

Zero Donaghys. There is no way Stern would have this, since he seems adamant on ridding the league of its “street” image. We’re more likely to see the All-Star Spelling Bee before we see something of that nature.

Ron Artest hits someone with a chair.

Three and a half Donaghys. After a fan tells Artest his jersey makes him look fat, he takes a chair and wails him in the head. Artest is suspended the rest of the year, but it gives him time to record his next album, “It Takes a Suspension of Millions to Hold Me Back.” The ref who bet that Artest would hurt a fan this season wins the office pool and a coupon for a free buffet at Caesar’s Palace.

After LeBron wins the MVP award, an irritated Kobe Bryant challenges him to a one-on-one game backstage.

Four Donaghys. With the game tied at 20, Kobe sets himself for the potential game-winning shot, when the ball is swatted away by Gilbert Arenas, who is also angry he didn’t win the award. Arenas recovers the ball and dunks it, knocking out both opposing players, and walks off with the trophy.

The Suns lose to the Mavericks in the second round of the playoffs.

Two and a half Donaghys. Steve Nash has a horrible Game 7, losing the series for the Suns. After the game he rips his Suns jersey off to reveal an NWO T-shirt in Maverick colors. Amare Stoudemire also rips off his jersey to reveal the same shirt. They join the team now known as the Dallas NWOs.

Michael Jordan and Larry Bird return, but aren’t good anymore. They’re old, slow and just look creepy now.

Four Donaghys. Jordan and Bird join the Pacers in December. Most analysts agree this makes the Pacers the favorite in the Eastern Conference.

The Pacers end up losing every game thereafter, causing Jermaine O’Neal to beg Stern for a suspension or to be thrown out of the league. Jordan and Bird are given a reality show called “Jordan Knows Best,” where the two of them play HORSE against children outside of McDonald’s for money.

Rasheed Wallace criticizes Stern and how he runs the NBA. Stern fines Wallace, who in turn challenges Stern to a one-on-one game.

Four and a half Donaghys. The referee calls numerous fouls on Wallace that aren’t fouls. After Wallace is in the penalty, the ref gives Stern two points, two shots and the ball after each foul.

Stern wins by seven points. We later learn every ref, except the one calling the game, bet on Wallace, so the ref called the game heavily in favor in Stern. None of them are reprimanded because they weren’t technically betting on an NBA game.