Stupid is as stupid drives

I have a car with me at school, and while driving around Oakland and the surrounding areas… I have a car with me at school, and while driving around Oakland and the surrounding areas of metropolitan Pittsburgh, I’ve developed a theory about driving in general. I think that it makes you stupid.

Not stupid in the sense that you’re actually dumber, of course, but stupid in the sense that you do things that you wouldn’t do if you weren’t in the car and that look stupid to people who aren’t in your car. Think about it: How many times have you been driving or been in a car and seen someone do something that you just can’t comprehend? I mean, half of these actions seem completely out of the realm of logical reasoning.

So after years of watching people turn right on red when there are three signs clearly telling them not to, of watching drivers nearly mow over pedestrians or burn through yellow lights that turned red three seconds previously, or watching a million other amazingly boneheaded things that people do in cars, I’ve realized that it’s not that people are idiots, but that cars mess with our heads.

Think about it. A car is like a little personal bubble of comfort and safety. It keeps you warm on cold days and cool on hot ones, keeps you out of the rain or snow and gets you where you want to go in comfort and general ease.

If used as designed it never touches anything or does anything you don’t want it to do. For many people, it even becomes a sort of friend they rely on to keep them safe and happy.

But all this comfort and safety has a strange effect: It makes us think we’re invincible. Suddenly, cold can’t harm us, and speed is relative. (Ever notice how anyone going slower than you is a moron and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?) Basically, your car becomes your world, and since you’re in control of the car, you’re in control of that world.

But this makes people think not only that they’re invincible, but infallible. So when someone turns right across three lanes of traffic with their horn blaring or stops in the middle of Forbes for 10 minutes with their four-ways on because they didn’t want to look for parking, these actions seem perfectly reasonable to them.

I’m guilty of this myself:

I’ve been in a few situations where I’ve done something stupid, like a U-turn on Atwood with traffic coming both ways – oops! – but instead of feeling sheepish, I’ll feel defensive, as if I was right and everyone should get off my back. “Why are you honking?!” I’ll shout at people as I swerve between lanes. “That was totally legal! You didn’t crash!”

And then I’ll turn around and honk at the next person who does the same thing, calling them a moron in my mind. But is that really the case? Probably they just missed their turn or were in the wrong lane – the same situation I’ve been in many times. But still, we insist on getting mad rather than staying calm.

Why is that? I think it’s because when somebody does something unexpected it invades the sanctity of the perception of our car as an invincible bubble.

When we aren’t in total control of the situation, we freak out and shout and make noise in an effort to get it back. Honking and flipping people off are the driving equivalent of the 2-year-old in the Giant Eagle candy aisle throwing a temper tantrum.

So, if you have a car, I have two suggestions for you the next time you’re driving. One: Calm down. If there was no accident or inconvenience to your life other than someone bursting your bubble, it’s not necessary to throw a hissy fit. Be a big kid and suck it up.

And two: Pay attention. Or more accurately, don’t do the stupid stuff that makes other people mad in the first place. I know that sometimes accidents and mishaps happen, but there’s no reason to go flying through red lights at 55 miles per hour just to get stopped at the next one instead.

Drive like a reasonable and rational human being, not like you own the road and everyone else should be bowing down to your golden tires.

And perhaps most importantly, remember that a car is not just a warm and happy little bubble, but a 1,000-pound plus piece of metal and plastic hurtling around the city at high speeds and at the mercy of whomever is behind the wheel.

A car entails at least some responsibility, so if you’re going to drive try to act like you have it. Be a responsible driver, but also be patient with other people on the road. Being angry doesn’t help anything.

Good. Now I just need to figure out how to get people to parallel park better.

Share your bonehead driver stories with Richard at rab53@pitt.edu.