Denzel is the true Washington

Books are full of all kinds of things, especially lies. Especially history books. History,… Books are full of all kinds of things, especially lies. Especially history books. History, they say, is written by the victors. Well, one fact you won’t read in your history books is that Denzel Washington’s middle name is Clive.

This seemingly innocuous fact becomes an earth-shaking call to action when you realize that Washington, D.C., is actually named after Denzel Clive Washington. I know you’re thinking, “But the Washington in Washington, D.C., is named after the guy who won the American Revolution, the first president of the United States.”

You’d be right, but only half right. It was, in fact, Denzel Washington who won the Revolutionary War and served as America’s first president before trouncing Cornwalis and others in a tireless campaign to reap all the acting world’s finest honors.

A sober analysis of this situation will lend my claims credence.

First, what do you think Washington, D.C., stands for? People say D.C. stands for District of Columbia. Who really buys that? Please. That might be the case if the country we lived in was, for example, I don’t know: Columbia. But we live in the United States of America! It would be Washington, D.A. or Washington, D.U.S.A., if it weren’t named after Denzel Clive Washington.

Why do I raise the issue now? You have probably heard in the news about the struggle to grant statehood to Washington, D.C. It’s controversial because it’s probably against the Constitution, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand in the way of making Denzel Washington a state. If anyone deserves a constitutional freebie, it’s Denzel Washington.

It’s no surprise that we named our capital after him. Denzel Washington is one of our nation’s most decorated combat officers. He has served in almost every branch of the armed forces, in most of our wars. In “Glory,” Denzel Washington plays himself during the Civil War, fighting racism from North and South, on and off the battlefield. Within just six years, Denzel had risen to command the U.S.S. Alabama nuclear submarine, as he depicts, playing himself again, in 1995’s “Crimson Tide.”

Finally, he rose to the rank of Major in “The Manchurian Candidate,” a remake of the classic film about the time he saved us from communism. He has likewise served valiantly as a bodyguard, detective, religious leader, basketball player and high school football coach.

I’m not saying that it would be easy for Denzel Washington to be a state. What would the state capital be called? Denzel Clive Washington? Sorry Denzel, America loves you so much it already took that name for its capitol. It was pretty controversial when we let the people of Washington name their state after you, given that we already had Washington, D.C. And what will your state university be called?

There is already a Washington University in St. Louis. There’s a University of Washington. There’s a George Washington University – in Washington, D.C. of all places – and there’s a Washington Jefferson College, both of which are named jointly for Denzel and ’70s Chicago laundromattycoon George Jefferson. All of these Washington places are going to get confusing. It looks like people just can’t scramble fast enough to name everything under the sun after Denzel Washington!

Likewise, statehood for Washington might create some bad political incentives. Just look at farm subsidies. We throw money at farmers, because every state gets two senators no matter how few people it has and farmers tend to reside in sparsely populated states where they form a sizeable portion of the electorate. It works out that a Texan’s vote counts as only a fraction of a Wyomingite’s.

But just imagine what will happen when one man, a man on fire, gets three whole votes in the Electoral College! Plus, it will be harder to remember how many senators there are. Right now, there are 100. But with Denzel on board there’s gonna be a hundred and something and I don’t know if Americans can handle that.

When elections role around, expect to see a lot of candidates courting the crucial Denzel Washington vote. It might be a good thing, though. Polls would be easy. A lot of overlooked concerns will finally get a voice on the national stage – issues like who wins the Oscar for Best Actor every year, and whether the federal government should build a $400 million “Bridge to Denzel Washington’s House,” as Denzel advocated in place of the notorious “Bridge to Nowhere.” We could also expand the ever-popular charm subsidy programs, through which Denzel Washington receives millions of dollars each time he smiles. Charm subsidies would cost less than farm subsidies, but not ruin Third World farmers, make us fat, pollute groundwater or distort efficient markets.

In a country responsible for the birth of so many rogue states, it’s about time for a roguishly handsome state … and bumper stickers that say, “W / THE STATE.”

Discuss Denzel Washington’s charming smile with Lewis at ljl10@pitt.edu.